I broke down, depression is here

I’ve only worked for slightly over a month and I’m severely depressed. actually since 3 or 4 weeks ago I could already feel the spiral down hill BUT its only now that i’ve began the ‘crying non stop’ syndrome. I totally broke down today.

I managed to con my senior manager into letting me off for an asthma appointment. I took about 4 hours off just to see my psychiatrist. I knew I needed treatment, I knew I needed to talk to someone who’ll understand and is able to tell me what to do. I had to see Dr. Peter. Unfortunately when I got there, they told me Dr. Peter was on leave and I just broke down. They also told me that the new doctor who was taking over Dr. Peter can’t see me coz he is overloaded. I couldn’t think after that. I became so confused. All I know was, I had no doctor to see, I’m dying and I don’t have a time sheet to produce for my boss to see, then she’ll know I wasn’t going for an asthma appointment. They then told me to go to the emergency centre to see a psychiatrist but won’t EMERGENCY be written all over the time sheet if I went there? Like that won’t my boss know I was lying about the asthma appointment? All I know was, I was screwed. I couldn’t stop crying, very very stressed and dying of depression. I called Neubs in UK, he woke up in the middle of the night to calm me down.

The nurses were very helpful, they saw that I was in a total mess and went to every doctor in Neuroscience and asked who could see me. Dr. Terence agreed. I felt better when they told me that I could see Dr. Terence (he was the first doctor who attended to me when I first started treatment 2 over years ago) but I was still crying and shaking (I was also having anxiety) I waited while Neubs was on the phone with me (I’m so screwed when I get my bill) then this male nurse came to me and brought me to Room 12. I thought I was going to see the doctor who was taking over Dr. Peter. Instead, when I got into the room, I saw Dr. Khare!!!!!!!!! (Doctor Khare is usually in Room10)I just burst out crying even more, relieved that I was in good hands. Dr. Khare knows my condition very very well, well he is the Prof for NUS medicine, a senior consultant, he was the real expert plus he knows me. Dr. Khare is a very wise man and everytime I’m in this shape, he never fails to make me feel better. He actually gave up his lunch for me and counseled me for over an hour. I managed to stop crying and went back to work. And ya of course my doses were increased and I’ve got additional medicine. The additional medicine is Lorazepam, I’ll probably write a post about it and tell you guys whether its good or not. should be good coz Dr. Khare’s prescriptions have always been very effective. I took half when I went back to work and it worked really really well. I was actually functioning normally despite the huge crying session in the hospital.

Basically, Dr. Khare drilled this into my head. That as long as I’ve done my best, I should be happy. this episode of depression is actually caused by work related stress. Seniors expects so much of me, everyday they are saying that my results are not good enough, that I must be better then the other consultant who just came in etc… Dr. Khare also told me that I must make my seniors realize that I can only do this much and that they have to learn to expect less coz frankly my fellow colleagues are already saying that I’m coping very well esp when I’ve got a mentor who barely teaches me anything. I guess its also because I have no rest time at all. I’m working from 8 – 9 Mondays to Fridays. I even go back on sat for half day. Its madness. I have no time for myself at all. I just can’t cope with this drastic change in lifestyle plus, stress is really like poison for a bipolar.
Tonight I’m going to eat my medicine and pray that tmr I’ll be feeling better and fit for work