Smile to the Yellow Curtains

sad accident

2010-01-24T17:13:00.000+08:00

Every time I think about this story, I feel very very sad.

My dad’s ex operations manageress is a really horrible woman. She’s known to over work the workers and refuse to pay over time. (My poor dad’s pay got cut by her so many times without reason, thank goodness he doesn’t work for her anymore)

This story actually happened over a year ago and I’ve been wanting to tell but its really sad so I’ve postponed it till today. There was this driver whom daisy (the horrible manageress) refused to let him knock off. He was really tired so he was practically dozing off while driving and accidentally knocked down this china woman. It was really awful coz the tire rolled over her head and her brains literally burst out. Died on the spot.

This china woman also very poor thing, her child was going to take PSLE soon and that happened.

So well, the driver was arrested and all that. My dad went over to the police station and bailed him. on his way home, the driver met with an accident and his leg had to be amputated. Now, he is in jail and only has one leg. The driver also has a family, wife and children.

So really who is at fault? It all goes back to that daisy who refused to let him knock off. Imagine working for 16 hours in a roll everyday. Definitely an accident was bound to happen. So management people, you must be fair to your workers.

Know what, that daisy doesn’t even feel bad about this and she claims to have a heart of gold. Ya she told my dad that.

Hey

2010-01-14T22:04:00.001+08:00

Sorry i've been inactive for a while. i've got a little mood problem but i'm still alive. will update soon. :)

Say Hello to Mania....

2009-12-27T02:48:00.001+08:00

I really didn’t notice that I was heading this direction at all!!!!!!!!!!!! I just realized it like 1 Hour ago!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok first I was suffering from chronic stress and became teary and all right, then I went to see Doctor, then Neubs came back from UK. Things started changing the week he was coming back. I was very happy, I thought that was perfectly fine, I thought it was normal but I guess it was pretty abnormal coz since then I didn’t really have any bad mood. I gradually started sleeping later and later also, started having trouble falling asleep, started waking up in the middle of my sleep. And NOW, I CAN’T SLEEP!!!!!!!!! I haven’t been able to sleep for TWO nights!!!!!!!!!!! The week before that I only had 4 hours of sleep!!!!! Ok ok I slept last night but that’s because I played cheat. I took my lithium and resperidone (resperidone makes people drowsy), I took flu medicine and 4 times my dosage of lorazepam. STILL I COULDN’T SLEEP!!!!!!!! Then I forced myself to yawn, it worked a little, I think I managed to get 2 hours altogether. I’ve got an entire bottle of bena expectorant and a whole lot of fedac, plus more lorazepam. I must say that I am very very tempted to wolf down the cocktail BUT I don’t want to be hospitalized for a drug overdose again, get questioned by a police and get fired. Sigh…

I think if I’m perfectly healthy I’ll be perfectly fine with the lack of sleep, but the problem is, I am actually very very ill at the moment. My colleague passed me the cold and I’ve got a sorethroat along with it. Apparently due to my manic symptom of being Miss chat-non-stop, I talked till I’ve lost my voice. AND it doesn’t end there, I still can’t stop talking. To make things worse, my lungs are not cooperating; I’ve got pretty severe asthma!!!!! I’m on my puff every 2 hours and my asthma comes back within 30mins of taking my inhaler, YES and I still can’t sleep, still can’t stop talking. BUT you know what!!! I don’t feel ill at all!!! I’m energetic, I had a party at my place, even helped my mum clean up the house, I’m still awake and my mind is still going VERY VERY VERY fast!!!!!!!!

BTW I can’t eat. I only had half a bowl of soup yesterday and a few pieces of stuff today. I lost my appetite completely. Even time I’m high this happens. I can’t eat!!!!!!!!!!! Which really sucks actually coz my mouth taste bitter yet my stomach refuses to accept and food.

Know what I really want to do? I really really really want to exercise but I’m ill so that’s totally out. My thoughts are actually irritating me now, I can feel my brain pumping, like its working very hard. I can feel my brain. And my heart unfortunately, the palpitations are back. I really don’t know why but I’m having anxiety as well. Its really really bad, I can feel my heart pumping out.

Sigh…no one is up….what should I do….this is so shit…

Ugly Toes

2009-12-20T15:50:00.001+08:00

The train is super packed in the morning, everyone’s face is like 20cm apart and I just hate staring into another person’s face. So instead of looking straight, I look down. I know looking down is like a sign of weakness, a sign of low confidence but really I can’t be bothered. It definitely beats staring at an ugly person’s face.

Frankly looking down isn’t too fantastic also because I end up looking at ugly feets. Ok looking at guy’s feet isn’t too bad because most of them wear shoes in the morning. BUT A LOT of WOMEN wear slippers to work. AND these women really have really ugly feet. See problem is their TOES. They wear a pair of slippers with half their foot sliding out from the front with their toes sticking out of their slippers. Most of them have about 1 cm of their toes touching the ground!!!!!!!!!! Then there are those who wear open toe shoes, the open toe part is just too big and they have 3 of their super long toes sticking out like a bug’s bunny teeth, touching the floor.

The look of it is not just bad, its also about hygiene. This means that these women are just walking on public floor!!! Can you imagine if they step on spit?

The thing is, if you really want to wear slippers, you’ve got to choose a pair suitable for you. Instead of having half your feet on the ground, get a pair which has a cutting that really fits.

Yucks so GROSS!!!!!!!!

Lorazepam

2009-12-15T20:55:00.001+08:00

Ok I said I’ll update about Lorazepam and here it is.

Firstly let me recap why Lorazepam have been prescribed for me. I’ve been suffering from work related stress that has let me to suffer tightness in the chest, palpitations. This led me to suffer from a slight depression, low morale etc… and my resperidone 1.5mg is not taking the anxiety symptoms away but I’ve not been having any psychotic symptoms. so yap, that’s how I got this new drug with the rest of my cocktail.

I’m taking Lorazepam 0.25mg (half tablet) and if I’m still having anxiety after 1 hour, I was instructed to take another 0.25mg. reason why such a low dosage was prescribed is because I’m working and I need to be quick thinking and active in my work place. A higher dosage would cause me to feel drowsy, my thinking will become very slow, basically I’ll be inefficient. That’s really not what we all want to be while working.

The first time I took a 0.25mg dose (I’ve never needed to take more then 0.25mg) my heart beat slowed down tremendously and I was relaxed for the first time in an entire month. The effect was very fast, almost instantaneous. I was a lot more jovial which led me to realize that my depression was due to anxiety and not that I was really emotionally imbalanced in the bipolar relapse way. (but I may have been extremely jovial because Neubs was coming back from his trip from UK and that I’ll be seeing him everyday) anyways, my efficiency improved and I managed to perform a lot better at work. Also, I took mistakes at work and senior’s nagging better instead of crying over them like the previous week.

After one week of improved mental health, Monday was a disaster. I had a nightmare. (Nightmares are basically outlets for your body to relive stress, so we can take it as an indicator that we are going through stress) and because of that nightmare I started having anxiety from 3am all the way till 7.30 am (I took Lorazepam at 730am). After that I went through a horrible day at work. My mood was very very down and Lorazepam being a muscle relaxant, it definitely couldn’t do anything for bad mood. ya basically Monday was bad mood day. Probably I was even more stressed on Monday as it was Meeting Day, and I’ll have to report my sales to the MD and sometimes the CEO will be there too.

I took a dose this morning before I went to work and all went well.

The thing is, Lorazepam gets rid of stress symptoms BUT it doesn’t cure it. In fact I’m pretty worried that I’ve got to take it everyday to cope with my anxiety because I read online that it is highly addictive. How much to cause an addiction I don’t know but I think Lorazepam must be taken with caution. I’ve been given 40 doses of Lorazepam to last me till Jan 18th, I really hope I do have enough but if I don’t then I’ll have to force myself to deal with it.

Anyways, I hope this post is useful for anyone who is planning to take Lorazepam.

I broke down, depression is here

2009-12-07T21:24:00.000+08:00

I’ve only worked for slightly over a month and I’m severely depressed. actually since 3 or 4 weeks ago I could already feel the spiral down hill BUT its only now that i’ve began the ‘crying non stop’ syndrome. I totally broke down today.

I managed to con my senior manager into letting me off for an asthma appointment. I took about 4 hours off just to see my psychiatrist. I knew I needed treatment, I knew I needed to talk to someone who’ll understand and is able to tell me what to do. I had to see Dr. Peter. Unfortunately when I got there, they told me Dr. Peter was on leave and I just broke down. They also told me that the new doctor who was taking over Dr. Peter can’t see me coz he is overloaded. I couldn’t think after that. I became so confused. All I know was, I had no doctor to see, I’m dying and I don’t have a time sheet to produce for my boss to see, then she’ll know I wasn’t going for an asthma appointment. They then told me to go to the emergency centre to see a psychiatrist but won’t EMERGENCY be written all over the time sheet if I went there? Like that won’t my boss know I was lying about the asthma appointment? All I know was, I was screwed. I couldn’t stop crying, very very stressed and dying of depression. I called Neubs in UK, he woke up in the middle of the night to calm me down.

The nurses were very helpful, they saw that I was in a total mess and went to every doctor in Neuroscience and asked who could see me. Dr. Terence agreed. I felt better when they told me that I could see Dr. Terence (he was the first doctor who attended to me when I first started treatment 2 over years ago) but I was still crying and shaking (I was also having anxiety) I waited while Neubs was on the phone with me (I’m so screwed when I get my bill) then this male nurse came to me and brought me to Room 12. I thought I was going to see the doctor who was taking over Dr. Peter. Instead, when I got into the room, I saw Dr. Khare!!!!!!!!! (Doctor Khare is usually in Room10)I just burst out crying even more, relieved that I was in good hands. Dr. Khare knows my condition very very well, well he is the Prof for NUS medicine, a senior consultant, he was the real expert plus he knows me. Dr. Khare is a very wise man and everytime I’m in this shape, he never fails to make me feel better. He actually gave up his lunch for me and counseled me for over an hour. I managed to stop crying and went back to work. And ya of course my doses were increased and I’ve got additional medicine. The additional medicine is Lorazepam, I’ll probably write a post about it and tell you guys whether its good or not. should be good coz Dr. Khare’s prescriptions have always been very effective. I took half when I went back to work and it worked really really well. I was actually functioning normally despite the huge crying session in the hospital.

Basically, Dr. Khare drilled this into my head. That as long as I’ve done my best, I should be happy. this episode of depression is actually caused by work related stress. Seniors expects so much of me, everyday they are saying that my results are not good enough, that I must be better then the other consultant who just came in etc… Dr. Khare also told me that I must make my seniors realize that I can only do this much and that they have to learn to expect less coz frankly my fellow colleagues are already saying that I’m coping very well esp when I’ve got a mentor who barely teaches me anything. I guess its also because I have no rest time at all. I’m working from 8 – 9 Mondays to Fridays. I even go back on sat for half day. Its madness. I have no time for myself at all. I just can’t cope with this drastic change in lifestyle plus, stress is really like poison for a bipolar.
Tonight I’m going to eat my medicine and pray that tmr I’ll be feeling better and fit for work

Starhub = SUCKHUB!!!!!!!!!! Let me tell you why!!!!!

2009-12-05T18:24:00.000+08:00

I am so pissed with starhub!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Thursday, I realized that my phone wasn’t working. Since I’ve paid my bill, I thought its because my Sim card was spoilt. I’ve been very very busy at work so I didn’t go down to starhub until this morning and guess what. They said that my line was actually suspended because I didn’t pay my bill. I was like what the hell, I paid my bill the moment I got it!!!!!!!! I was very very angry and forced them to investigate. They called me a few hours later (lucky after I finished shopping for xmas gifts hence my mood wasn’t ruined) anyways, they told me that my line was suspended because my brother’s line, which is under my name wasn’t paid. I was like WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!! True my brother’s bill wasn’t paid BUT it was because they told us that we didn’t have to pay till we get a new phone (remember I suspended my brother’s line coz his phone was stolen some time back) AND we haven’t gotten a new phone!!!!! PLUS, they did not inform us that they were going to cut MY line due to my brother’s bill. We’ve always been given the impression by them that our lines were separate. ALSO!!!! We didn’t pay the bill because STARHUB DID NOT SEND US THE BILL!!!!!!!!! I even called them up to ask for it, but they insisted on sending it and wanted us to pay $5 for another bill to be mailed to our house. The customer service officer was very rude BTW, so I told her, why should I pay $5 for your own mistake, then I slammed the phone. She also said we can go online and get the a/c number and pay via the SAM machine. I was like, why should I inconvenience myself coz of THEIR MISTAKE!!!! So I said I’ll pay when the next month bill comes and guess what, they suspended my line for that. SO SHIT!!!!!!!!!

Ok why I thought my SIM card was spoilt. I’ve been using this sim card ever since I first subscribed to starhub’s services, that’s like 7 years ago. I’ve not changed my sim card ever since. AND, I am pissed about this issue also. I bought a 3G phone in Mar and the salesperson didn’t even ask if I wanted to change my sim card to a 3G one. Because of that, I had a lot of problems sending and receiving msgs. I finally gave my phone to my sister and have to use my 3 year old phone (the only phone compatible with my outdated sim card) when I asked the customer service guy to change my sim card just now, he was so unwilling that I got so mad. I told him, the guy whom I signed my new contract with failed to even ask me if I wanted to change, its very unfair to me esp when I didn’t know anything about it, which caused me to be unable to use my new phone!!!! Then he kept quiet and changed my card. SO PISSED!!!!!!!!!!

That’s not all!!!!!!!!!!

Starhub also overcharged my brother’s bill!!!!!!!!!!! When i first signed the contract for my brother, my mum faxed over his student pass (we took the student plan) 4 times BTW!!!!!!! And EVERYTIME they lose it, then they overcharged us. I got very very very angry at them that I scolded them and forced them to give us a refund. I told them I’m not going to pay the overcharged bill. Took them over 3 months to fix this problem!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!

I’m SO PISSED and SICK OF SUCKHUB!!!!!!!! To think I wanted to get GIRO BUT I don’t think I want to anymore. what if they overcharge me and all? Anyways, after this week, I’m thinking of changing to singtel. I’m so sick of them!!!!

Bipolar... i'm scared people will find out

2009-11-29T18:33:00.000+08:00

After mass, I went for lunch near the MRT. I met an old crazy friend from the hospital. Well she is very crazy, bipolar as well. She was one of those people who never stuck to her medication. She got hospitalized numerous times, got retained (in school) a number of times because of her insanity too, but have never learnt her lesson about the whole medication thing. I saw her in the food court to be exact; she was in a wheel chair. Well if you all remember, I did post something about her some time back. she got into a terrible mania and jumped down 5 storeys and broke both her legs. Its been so long yet she still can’t walk. When I saw her, I wanted to ask, ‘eh how come you’re still in the wheel chair’ but, what if she’s paralyzed now? I didn’t ask in the end.

Nani, (her name) is a bipolar. When sane, she is very good humored, talkative, friendly and easy going. Her mania never propelled her to move towards academic achievements; instead, it held her back hence she never performed well in school. She is definitely not a mad genius. I guess she is like the majority of all bipolars whereby insanity caused them to be academically, financially stagnated. I guess she is like the typical sad case but even so everytime I meet her, she seems pretty happy.

I must say that I am really guilty of something. I didn’t dare talk to her for long at the food court as I do have colleagues living in my neighbourhood. I was scare Nani would talk about our illness in public. I was scared that people would find out. I didn’t declare that I am mentally ill when I applied for my job. I’m scared. What if they find out, hence fire me? I worked so hard the entire month, got my first pay, managed to buy stuff for my family and helped with the finances. Besides I’ve still got another $600 in school fees to pay for my siblings and another $8000 to pay for my tuition loan, plus we have other debts. What if I lose my job because I’m bipolar. I’m really scared. I do love my job, i need the money for my family… yet I’m so guilty I did that…

Sigh… I think I’m paranoid… well anyways, the main point about this post is to eat your medicine. Jumping down 5 stories and breaking both your legs is really not worth it. she could have died. If I died because of mania it’ll so not be worth it. (goodness, what a lousy post, sorry can’t really write properly coz I’m paranoid at the moment)

That Amanda's family really suck!!!!

2009-11-22T13:08:00.000+08:00

All the kids in the neighbourhood are really pissed at Amanda’s children (the horrible neighbour) its really about their attitude. Everyone can’t wait for them to move out.

Remember, they bit my brother’s hand that day? This time, they burst my brothers’ soccer ball. All the kids in my block play with my brothers’ soccer ball and that Amanda’s dog bit it and burst it!!!!!!!!!!! That family didn’t even say sorry and discipline their dog for that, they actually laughed!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then a week back, they released their dog and allowed it to chase after 2 malays. The malays were really scared, they were running and crying and the Amanda’s kids were all laughing!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone hates them, its not because they are poor, its because of their ways.

People are getting really mad. The only reason why we’re not reporting them its because we don’t want the dog to be put down. such asses.

This girl will definitely end up in a divorce

2009-11-22T12:30:00.000+08:00

Frankly I really hate feminist, esp those feminist with out dated ideas.

Neubs and I were having lunch at mos burger yesterday and as usual, I ate pretty messily. So he started teasing me and I was laughing at all his jokes about me. well people who knows us will know how we’re like. I say he is disgusting, he’ll say I am disgusting blar blar blar and we’ll laugh about it. Basically we’re a very easy going couple who don’t believe that oh we shouldn’t say this or that because I’m a girl or his a guy.

But I guess there are very up tight people in this world AND we met one. After our meal, I went to wash up (my dress and hands had gravy all over, ya I know I’m messy). Neubs like a typical guy, didn’t need the washroom and waited outside. Know what, this idiot girl actually went up to him and gave him a lecture about how he shouldn’t talk to me that way. WTH!!!!! Neubs didn’t give her a peace of his mind only because I came out too fast, but we were like what the shit. The girl was really young, probably in JC or something coz her bf looked like a whimp. He looked so scared, she probably terrorize him everyday. ‘oh you can’t say this or that because its disrespectful’ Really who was she to comment. She doesn’t know us as a couple, she doesn’t know how we talk to each other, she doesn’t know anything at all. I bet she was learning about feminism in one of her lectures that’s why she’s so weird.

The thing is, if a relationship has so many rules, then it’ll be such a closed up one. I don’t like it at all if Neubs keeps his comments to himself. Frankly I’ll really pity her coz she’ll be those type of woman who’ll divorce her husband on the grounds of unreasonable behavior. Her husband say something like your ass looks big, then she’ll say he is disrespectful, then she’ll scold him, then they’ll get a divorced. Girls like her are so dumb. Can’t take a joke and are so crazy over ideals. So domineering and all.

I believe in a relationship there shouldn’t be such strict rules about respect. I feel like people like her always feel that women are placed as the weaker sex that’s why they fight so hard for respect. Which is really crap actually coz instead they push women to take the role as the domineering sex so that’s really crap too because where is the equality? Its so stupid really. I let Neubs tease me and he lets me tease him, to the both of us, we know we respect each other. Its just a joke, we can take jokes, we’re not petty. That girl’s got lots of growing up to do, if she doesn’t change, really, I foresee that she’ll either never get married or end up in a divorce. Smart shit.

More stuff about the Crap Mum, my neighbour

2009-11-18T12:33:00.000+08:00

I got more news about that Amanda (remember her? The horrible mother who never takes care of her 4 kids – my neighbour, the lazy one whom everyone dislikes) ya anyways, I got more info about her.

Seems like she’s sold her flat, my parents saw her signing the contract under our block a few days ago. Well, we heard that HDB is chasing after her for money as she’s not returned a single cent to HBD since she bought this flat. She owes them about 100K but that’s not the interesting news.

Apparently right, her husband went to borrow money from the loan shark and they’ve been chasing them for money too. no wonder that Amanda’s got so much money to play mahjong every night. they even got the kids a dog and a rabbit. The dog btw is pretty cute but like her children, have no manners and discipline. It bit my brother Ivan last week. AND the dog is already 5 years old (they bought an old dog) yet it still goes around biting humans. Their whole family is so screwed up thanks to the lousy parents.

AND AND AND we found out why her 11 year old daughter fetches her 7 year old son from school. Apparently right, in the beginning of the year, he used to go home alone. Then the school found out about it and refused to release him unless someone goes to school and fetch him home. SO as usual, Samantha has to do the shit for her crap shit mum. In fact in the beginning of the year, Nigel (my youngest bro), Sajit and Sebastian and his crap shit mum were in the bus together. Then Nigel and Sajit started asking how come his mum doesn’t fetch him home at all. Know how the Amanda reacted? She shouted at Nigel and his friend ‘WHY CANNOT!!!!!’ so the boys got scared of her and kept quiet. She’s SO childish!!!!

Anyways, I got all these info from Jason. He came over to our house the other day so as usual, gossip gossip gossip.

BTW, I’m home today coz I’m ill or rather I’m suffering from fatigue, was very giddy. I went to work this morning, came home after 1 hour in the office and is on MC the whole of today. I didn’t dare to take more MC coz work will just pile up. yap…

View from my Office

2009-11-15T20:41:00.000+08:00

Its pretty cool!!!

Can't stand FAKE accents

2009-11-15T11:35:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I really hate Sunday mornings. Not that Sunday is bad and all but its because of the TV. See OKTO is always on in my house but I guess you guys can understand why, I’ve got 2 little brothers. It gets really annoying when this show REM is on. I just hate the show. The story line is pretty alright for a Singaporean English show BUT I just hate the 3 leads accents. Its SO FAKE!!!!! The Eurasian girl call Ming some thing is still not too bad but the other 2… I just hate it so much. The worse is actually the Malay looking girl that looks like a skinny monkey. Hers is the worst. She’s got a combination of fake American plus Singaporean accent which she sounded like she’s trying to hard to cover. Its like half way through her sentences, the Singaporean accent pops up in the mist of the American accent so its so ultra FAKE!!!! Plus her acting sucks and all but that’s understandable, its Singapore’s English TV series.

I don’t understand why these people just won’t use the Singaporean accent. I mean standard Singaporean English is part of our identity, its easy to understand (trust me Ang mohs do understand it if we speak slowly coz Singaporeans love to rush through our sentences). Look at shows like growing up and Phua Chu Kang, or under one roof. There is a reason why these shows faired so well. They speak naturally, they sound like they are proud of their accent, the audience can relate to them and its NOT fake.

Frankly, my bf speaks with an accent but its not fake that’s why I’m so comfortable with the way he speaks. Really its all about not faking the accent. If you have a Singaporean accent like me, don’t fake it, faking it just sounds so horrible. Know those girls from REM, they fake it so much that it sounds like their tongue is so hard and that they have to put in SO SO SO much effort just to talk. And that annoys people, it makes the listener’s ears really tired. so horrible. I just hate the show.

Racist on the Train!!!!!!

2009-11-14T21:43:00.000+08:00

RACIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ULTRA RACIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was in the train heading to work when I saw this happening. It was like a typical morning. train was very very squeezy, and we were all packed like sardines. This racist Chinese woman managed with squeeze up with 2 Indian men. Know what she did!!!! The moment she noticed the 2 guys beside her, she used her right hand and covered her nose. After that, she started digging through her bag with her left hand and dug out a Chinese medicated oil. She then applied some on her right hand and covered her nose again. and while she was doing all that, she kept glancing at the Indians with disgust!!!! Please!!!! Her CHINESE MEDICATED OIL was so SMELLY!!!! I was near the Indians also and they didn’t smell at all but just because she saw their skin colour, she assumed they were smelly. True, many of them are smelly but not all. Its really horrible. I know and have met many Indians who are not smelly at all.

RACIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First Week at Work :)

2009-11-08T12:40:00.001+08:00

My first week at work was fantastic. The job is challenging and fun. Colleagues are really nice too. The whole office is made up of chatter box. I really had a great week. Marie was right, it’s a great job (can be stressful though). Before I started work, it seemed that some of Neub’s friends gave pretty bad comments about my company. but none of them ever worked there before, so really who are they to comment. Luckily I wasn’t affected by them. I just I started with a positive attitude that’s why, though I fell ill on my first day I still love it.

Actually I really want to thank Neubs and my mum. Neubs got me working clothes and $$$ and mummy got me a working bag, shoes and money as well. Without them I wouldn’t have been able to even afford to go to work.

I’m trying not to spend so much though coz I really don’t want to take so much $$$ from them, they need it too. Food in raffles place is pretty cheap. I ate mixed rice for 2 days and it cost me only $2.50 for 2 types of vegetables and rice. That means I’ll only need to spend $12.50 on food a week BUT I’m intending to cut that down. so from next week onwards I’m going to eat my favourite Tom Yam Myojo cup noodles that cost $1.10 per bowl. This means that in a week I’ll only need to spend $5.50 and $16.50 till the end of the month!!!!!! Wonderful!!!!!

Oh and guess what, in just a week, I’ve lost weight, I guess with my instant noodles I’ll lose even more weight. :)

Service in Singapore...going down, then again may be not.

2009-11-06T21:37:00.000+08:00

In Singapore, they talk a lot about increasing tourism and making services top notch. Sadly, I think the reverse is happening and it has a lot to do with who they employ and how they train them. I think since a large population here is pretty rude, most of us have actually grown immune to lousy services and rude staff that we don’t complain at all. I on the other hand is getting more and more annoyed by them. I believe since we’re paying for the goods and services (need to pay GST plus service charge in restaurants some more!!!!) we deserve to get the best treatment.

Not too long ago, I went to Sushi Deli at Yew Tee Point to pack some Sushi before I met Neubs in NUS. It was about 11am or 1130am (can’t remember) and I was their first customer. I bought a tray of Sushi that cost about S$6.40 (somewhere there). I didn’t have the exact change but then again how many customers do? So I gave the lady S$10.40 (I even went through the trouble to dig 40cents out of my wallet). Know what she took my money and started scolding me for making her find change. she was going on and on and on about it. saying that I inconvenience her and that I was giving her trouble. I was pissed, yes, I wanted to scold her, but I held my tongue until she returned my change. Then I shot her ‘Finding change is your job, you don’t have to be so rude!’ (her nagging and me scolding her back was all in Mandarin) then I gave her the evil eye and walked away. Oh and before that I was searching everywhere for a feedback form. But there was none, so unfortunate. She was about 50 years old with tattooed eyebrows, I’ve got a post last month about this age group---about how rude they are.

There was also the dumpling business. This happened also in Yew Tee, it was in the food court upstairs. This one was about a year ago. When I got my plate of dumplings, one dumpling was hidden, so it looked like there were only 7 instead of 8. I just asked the lady and I wasn’t rude at all, if she had counted correctly. WOW that CHINA woman started shouting at me. she was going ‘correct la correct la!!!!! Where got wrong, you no eyes to see is it!!!’ so I checked again and scolded her back ‘check also cannot ah, its hidden I can’t see, you’re so rude!!!!’. For the longest time I refused to dine there again. later on they had a renovation, they changed stalls and I found out that that CHINA woman didn’t work there anymore. now its back to that very nice Singaporean woman. Thank Goodness!!!! (our exchange of words were all in Mandarin )

Ok fine, perhaps food court people are boorish so their services are very bad BUT even restaurant services are going down. This happened not too long back when Neubs was still really into the mango ice kachang or snow ice. Usually we had the Shokudo one but Plaza Singapura didn’t have it so we went to XinWang instead. We stood at the entrance for a good amount of time before the staffs stopped chit chatting and seated us. We took a while to order not because we couldn’t make up our minds but because there wasn’t a single staff who even bothered to take our order. We waited and waited and tried really hard to get their attention. we put our hands up, waved, tried to get eye contact and were even stretching our bodies out of our seats (ok I know we looked weird) BUT none of the staff bothered to serve us, some even avoided eye contact totally, some saw us but looked away, they were all busy chatting and laughing. Well, when finally a staff came to take our order, she gave us a really long, sour and unhappy face. She kept mumbling so neither of us knew what she was saying. Anyways, we did get our food. Just when we thought the bad service ended there, paying the bill was equally bad. It took us forever to get anyone to notice us when we called for the bill and they basically never came to collect the money. We had to bring the bill back to the cashier ourselves. Horrible, we never went back there.

There are places with good services in Singapore though, not all are bad. One such place is Executive T & Co in Suntec. The first time we went there, we were just browsing, but the sales girl was very very helpful. She showed us a number of ties and gave us very good information about them. Because of that, we went back the second time and Neubs bought a pair cufflinks for his dad there. The second time we were served by a Filipino man, very nice as well. I think the first girl wasn’t local also, she had an accent but I’m not sure from where.

The thing is, I’m not picky to the point of being unreasonable. I’ve been in the service industry before. I was a waitress for nearly 2 years, in a regular restaurant as well as a hotel before. I later became a clinic assistant for 3 years. I understand that it is tiring and there are many nasty customers but it is their job to give good services because that is what they are paid for. Its ok to be new and inexperienced. The thing is, they must put in the effort to make the customer’s experience a good one. Supervisors should train their staff properly, at least educate them that scolding or nagging at your customers is wrong. If they can do just that, I’m sure our service industry would improve tenfold.

Something to note: For Psychatric patients before diagnosis

2009-11-05T21:31:00.001+08:00

Before I proceed, I want to make it very clear that I am not deliberating bitcing about this person. Rather, I am sharing this story in the hope that other mental patients who are still on the diagnosis stage will not have to go through what I did. All these happened in 2007 when I first started consulting my psychiatrist.

Like all psychiatrist, before diagnosing a patient, they would want to speak to a family member or a close friend. It is just a normal procedure to find out about us from the eyes of another person. When Dr. Khare made his request, I decided to approach Candice as she was my best friend then. We’ve known each other since we were 13 and for years I’ve looked towards her for emotional support. She was also the one who first notice my mental imbalanced, that I displayed many signs of bipolar mood disorder and was the first to urge me to seek psychiatric help.

So on the morning she met my doctor, she promised that she would tell him everything accurately as it was crucial to my diagnosis and hence my treatment. However, during her talk with Dr. Khare, I realized that she was covering everything up, and she kept insisting I was normal and have never displayed any odd symptoms. (I think my doctor realized it coz he was observing me for some time already and it really didn’t seemed like what Candice was insisting at all) At that time, I did not stand up and point out that she was lying because I did not want to humiliate her. Dr. asked if I agreed with what she said and I answered ‘yes’.

In my mind, I was questioning her intentions. For a long time, I did not ask until one fine day. Her reply was this --- if I get diagnosed, I will have problems getting insurance. And if I do get it, I’ll have to pay a higher premium. She admitted to lying in order for me to get away with cheaper insurance.

Insurance? Money? Now is that a good trade off for your sanity? is that even a valid reason? In my opinion, the answer is definitely no because you lose way more money when you’re crazy.

Lets look at what I have lost during my sanity:

-I had major depression during my A levels (started 7 months before my As and stretched to the following year) and only managed to get 1B 2Cs and B3 for GP. It was far from what I could have gotten because I was so depressed during my exams that I couldn’t think at all. My mind was so slow and I couldn’t write anything of a decent speed at all. As I failed to get the marks I was aiming for, I didn’t apply to the University as I was under the delusion that I was totally dumb and I got the worst marks ever (there were many others who did worse then me who got a place in NUS at that time)

-I got into a mania after that and started believing I was fated to be an astrophysicist and will work in NASA so I enrolled in a diploma course for Electrical Engineering and thought I’ll do Maths and Physics in uni. (YA I know I’m nuts)

-half way through my diploma I got major depression again. I was initially in the director’s list (was the top ten students in the faculty), I won a couple of bursaries etc…but tumbled to the bottom within a semester. I was lucky to have been able to get promoted.

-I had really bad relations with my family as I was very very temperamental. Sometimes I was even violent.

-I didn’t have friends as everyone thought I was really weird

-I had a food problem which made me balloon to an incredible size then shrink within weeks.

-I could never sleep, hence developed very bad dark circles (I still have them today from last time, will be going for eye treatment once I have the $$$)

-after I got my diploma, I didn’t even try to get a proper job for over 1 and a half years because I was going in and out of depression and mania. This also means that I lost 1 and half years of salary plus CPF.

I can go on with all these forever but basically, you get my point. You lose more then you gain by not getting a proper diagnosis and treatment. Its really not worth saving some insurance money and have all those problems.

Perhaps I should share with you guys how my life is after I got my sanity back:

-I can SLEEP!!!!!!!!

-I don’t have a food problem anymore. I eat healthy, don’t have crazy cravings, I don’t binge, I don’t drown myself in alcohol, I don’t starve myself, I don’t faint due to the lack of food and I have a really healthy weight now. I’m in between a size 8 and size 10 and my waist is back to 24 inches.

-I’ve got a wonderful bf (Neubs) now. our relationship is really healthy and stable. we even completed 1 and a half years of Long Distance Relationship. He is back in Singapore for good. We’re as loving as ever.

-my family is really close to me now. my siblings confine and trust in me. everyone is really happy and I am no longer violent. In fact I’m against violence now. no anger management problems anymore.

-I have a job!!!! Its also the job I’ve been aiming to get.

-I no longer overspend due to mania. I can budget very well now.

-At the end of my diploma course, I started taking mood stabilizers and managed to push my grades up to how it was like before the major depression.

Everything is just so much better. I rather pay a higher premium for all that I have now. Treatment is very very important. Sacrificing treatment (you need a diagnosis before you get the actually bipolar treatment) for money is just so not worth it.

So if you think the person you brought to see your doctor isn’t saying the truth about your symptoms, speak up and bring another person. And if they do say it is for insurance sack that they are lying, then think again: Money or sanity? Always remember that with sanity, you’re way more productive hence more money.

Accident at PIE

2009-11-01T12:00:00.000+08:00

This happened yesterday and it’s really really sad. It was raining very heavily yesterday. Visibility was extremely poor, the roads were very very wet. basically, it wasn’t a very good day to be on the roads. We are at the PIE heading home from town when we were caught in a jam. It was a pretty minor one, perhaps one that just started. I remember Neubs commenting that its normal since its raining. He changed lanes and we were soon on the faster one. Then we saw this lady standing in the middle of the road directing cars away from the affected lane. And like every other person, we were curious and looked at the wreck. It was horrible. I saw a motorcycle and something on the road coz of where I was sitting, I couldn’t get a good view. Neubs however, saw everything. He told me that there was a guy laying on the road covered in blood. He looked dead.

I hope the guy was just closing his eyes or something and that he wasn’t really dead. The both of us were really sad after that and stopped talking about the excitement of our courtship (the topic we were talking about before that). The night when he left my house, I said the same thing to him every time he drives home from my place ‘drive safely ok’. Neubs is so precious to me, precious to his and my family and his friends too. I don’t ever want anything like this to happen to him. I really hope that guy is fine but we’ll never know, we can only pray for him.

Fish Agar Agar...Daddy's creation...

2009-10-31T10:05:00.002+08:00

Final Product: Fish Agar Agar.
Agar Agar before you dissolve in boiling water
Agar Agar being dissolved
Shark after cooking.

I’ve got the weirdest family and the head of our family is even weirder then any of us. See my daddy loves to cook, or rather; he loves to cook up his own dish. His Thai food, Indian food, Malay food and peranakan food are pretty good BUT not other stuff. Some years ago, he tried cooking curry fish head, bought a huge expensive fish head and….lets just say the soup tasted like drain water and the fish itself looked like a crocodile. It was so horrible that Nigel (my youngest brother) refused to eat it and was actually scared of it. (my daddy still talks about this creation with pride) Then there was the you tiao, it was hard like stone and tasted nothing like the real thing. It was really tiny and odd also. The thing is, my daddy doesn’t realize that he really doesn’t posses any creative culinary talent, last night, he was at it again, this time, its Fish Agar Agar.

Let me give you guys the recipe, so if any of you are interested, you can actually make it yourself. (Perhaps you all will like it better then my family)

Ingredients:
Some Garlic
Salt
Shark meat
Agar Agar

Method:
Boil the shark with garlic, arrange it nicely in a container. Use the same water that you used to boil the shark to dissolve the Agar Agar. Pour Agar Agar solution into the container with the Shark. Let it set then put it into the fridge. Once chill, cut the Fish Agar Agar into cubes and serve.

Actually, my daddy wanted to make this dish since last week. He kept telling us about a stall in habour front which sells it. He also said that a small cube cost about 8-9 bucks. he said it was cheaper last time, used to cost him 5 bucks only. I don’t know man… its so weird. We kept telling him NOT TO MAKE IT coz its GROSS BUT he kept telling us how good it is.

I remember the first time I heard about Fish Agar Agar was on this BBC show about medieval times. It was eaten by Catholic Monks who ate it as penance. I remember telling Neubs how disgusting it was, never in my wildest imagination that I would think that my OWN DADDY would be cooking it in just a few months later. AND he isn’t eating it for penance, he is eating it because he thinks its good stuff!!!

BTW, When he was cooking it, I just felt really sorry for the poor shark whose meat was going to turn into a yucky dish. Eva and Shaun refused to go into the kitchen because it was so smelly. I could also hear mummy complaining about the smell, only daddy seemed to be happy making it. Lion was also hanging out in the kitchen, but duh, she’s a cat. I bet she was waiting for a piece of shark to drop in front of her.

In the end, only Ivan and my daddy ate it. I took like 1cm cube of it. after tasting it, I must say it doesn’t taste too bad….BUT Fish Agar Agar….its just so weird!!!!!!!!!! And I didn’t like the texture but then again I’ve never liked Agar Agar in all its flavours.

AND before I end: Hey Steven, nice to get a call from you last night. Didn’t know you read my blog. Glad to know you enjoy reading it.

AND to Neubs, eh go ask daddy to make for you la. :) he he he he he!!!!!

This time my brother's handphone got stolen. :(

2009-10-30T12:19:00.000+08:00

Sigh… just when I wrote a post about this China trainee stealing a customer’s handphone in Soup Restaurant, my brother, Ivan’s hand phone got stolen!!!! Sigh… and to think I was actually sympathetic about the Soup Restaurant case!!!!

Actually he is at fault also he was careless and too trusting. See he placed his phone on a seat at the void deck and was dribbling his soccer ball next to it. alright while he was playing, he did look out for people walking pass and check his phone every 1 min or 2. BUT, here was when he just screwed it. He started talking to Ignatius and stopped looking out for his phone. And mind you, that was just for 5 mins and he was pretty close to it. The thing was, there was this china woman (again…) who was playing badminton with her son, who was within an arms reach from his phone. The kids knew her by face so Ivan thought it was safe to just let her be by his phone’s side. BUT!!!! While my brother was talking to Ignatius, this woman and her son left very very suddenly and rushed home. Then when Ivan checked his phone again, IT WAS GONE!!!!! No one else was near his phone, the rest of the void deck was empty, no one else was walking pass!!!! Anyways, my brother went to her house to confront her then she shouted at him after hesitating, ‘don’t know!!! Don’t know!!!’ (in Chinese as usually coz these people can’t speak any other languages)

Anyways, the news of my brother’s stolen hand phone and this woman’s suspicious move is everywhere around my block now. (not because we told the whole world but because all the aunties saw my brother searching for his phone and all the aunties in my block loves to gossip) the whole block suspects the woman, that includes all the housewives, husbands and kids. Everyone is saying that next time they mustn’t let this woman see anything of theirs that is valuable. I was telling my mum, luckily I cut the line immediately, if not she’ll probably call china and the phone bill will reach hundreds of dollars. Neubs told us to make a police report, which we did, within 2 hours after it was stolen.

Oh well… luckily I’m going to work next week. will be buying another phone for Ivan once I get my salary. Ivan is so pissed off, duh!!!!

Soup Restaurant: handphone stolen but think why.

2009-10-26T11:19:00.000+08:00

I used to work in Soup Restaurant, the Paragon branch a couple of years ago. That was after I finished JC, worked slightly over a year there. I must say it was pretty interesting but I did feel that they really exploited their China workers but I’ll get to that later. Anyways, this post is about a hand phone that was stolen in Soup Restaurant (SR)

This happened after my first year there. As I was a part timer, I usually walked in about 6.00pm and start work at 6.30pm. that day was pretty odd coz the OM (Jennifer – I think she’s the OM, Kinda forgotten coz this happened so long ago) and the other management guy (Victor) were sitting on table 3 with my colleague, LQ. (LQ was this China Trainee, very tall, very gentle and was pretty nice) she was crying, so I wondered what happened, I thought the managers were bullying her again, coz Jennifer was the well-known tigress there. Every worker from every outlet hates her. I asked around and nobody really wanted to tell me, I asked Agnes (she’s the branch manager, very nice lady) but Agnes also didn’t want to talk about it either.

Anyways, their talk ended and LQ went in the kitchen area crying. So I asked her why and she told me the whole story. Apparently right, she was clearing the table that afternoon when she saw this expensive hp on the table. Instead of returning it, she pocketed it. the customer came back looking for his hp, and she denied taking it. the managers later played the security camera and saw that she took it. So, the managers had a talk with her and told her that they were sending her back to China.

Well LQ was telling me the story, she kept telling me over and over again that she did not mean to steal it and that she wasn’t a bad girl. I can truly understand how she feel though stealing is indeed wrong.

The thing is, these China trainees are really poor thing actually. For most of them studying hospitality in their local Chinese college, attachment is a must. Many of them actually got conned into doing an overseas attachment in Singapore. See they’ll have this talk in school to urge them to join, they will be told that they can earn a lot of money etc…. BUT in actual fact, before they go over, they’ll have to pay a huge sum to their agent. After they get here, their agent will further deduct money from their pay which is already a pathetic S$350 per month. Most of them work in shifts, lunch and dinner will be provided BUT not transport. I know one girl, Sha Sha, she spends close to a 100 every month on transport so she’s only got a hundred plus left. If they don’t take bus, they’ll have to walk home and the route is not safe at all. And there are rape cases in singapore, plus they finish work at 1030-11 plus, even later if they work in hotels. Ok, pay shitty, boss shitty, working hours shitty, living quarters super shitty. I’ve been to their ‘house’ before and its really really shit. They’ve got one toilet and over 10 girls live in the same house. Each room there are about 4-6 girls sharing. Everything is really run down and old. Really horrible.

These girls, like many of them told me are often pampered girls like you and me but imagine being thrown into living like that suddenly. I can only understand why LQ was tempted to steal. Plus not to mention the fact that bosses usually treat them very badly also coz they are cheap labour.
PS = often I complain about China people coz the vast majority in Singapore are only giving us problems but I do know some who are pretty nice. AND they hate the attitude of all those disgusting ones also.

Latest Ris Low video

2009-10-25T14:14:00.001+08:00

Ris Low’s English really cannot make it. reason why everyone likes to watch her videos is so that we can see her make a fool out of herself. Ya i know its painful to watch. but thats the whole point. watch and go EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not paid and pissed

2009-10-20T11:12:00.001+08:00

Know what I’m really annoyed at the moment. See I did 2 shows in April, one on the 4th and the other on the 13th. I received a payment for 1 of the shows at the end of April or the beginning of May. (can’t remember). Anyways the payment was made directly from mediacorp. I waited for the next payment, it never came. So anyways, I thought they would send sooner or later right, then I went off for my holiday. When I came back, I did 2 other roles. About a month later, Steven Lim smsed and asked me for my bank account number so that he can transfer my payment to me. so at the same time I asked him for the money for my 1st role. Know what, he said he sent it to me already. the thing is, I’ve never given him my account number before!!!! The worse shit was that I lost my bank book so I couldn’t prove that he didn’t send it. so, instead I went to the bank to ask if he did transfer money to me between May to October. Guess what, the bank said that if I want to investigate I have to pay 20 bucks. No way am I going to pay 20 bucks, its not like Steven Lim owes me a lot of money anyways. So I called him back and told him that I’m not going to investigate and in that case I won’t get my payment.

The thing is, I’m pissed coz he was careless with his paper work. In the first place, I wasn’t informed when I was going to be paid by, so obviously I would trust him to transfer money to me once mediacorp gives him the money. Besides, its highly possible that he transferred the money to the wrong person coz in the first place, he didn’t even know my account number then. I’m also really pissed that I lost my bank book so I can’t prove that he didn’t transfer my money. Just pissed. anyways, I’m going to hunt for that stupid missing book. Ok fine, may be you can say, its not a lot of money so I should just forget it. a lot or not a lot, the thing is, it sucks not to get paid for the work you’ve done. Sucks.

Everyone's got a past - help us, not torment us.

2009-10-18T22:39:00.000+08:00

Everyone has a past, mentally ill or not; mistakes in life are unavoidable as no one is perfect.

As a bipolar, I live with many regrets; I feel embarrassed about my past and very often, try to forget all the mistakes I’ve made during insanity. However, no matter how hard I try, the past seem to creep up on me more often then I wish. To make matters worst, people around me are very insensitive and unforgiving. They don’t identify these mistakes as mistakes that I’ve made with my illness, they seem to make it seems like I made those decisions with a perfectly sound mind. Delusions, the biggest culprit I’ll say that made me make so many mistakes are often dismissed and I’ll get a full 110% blame. I find it very unfair but what can I do? Just like the old saying goes, you’ll never be able to change the world, you can only change yourself. But haven’t I changed? I’m fully medicated, stable and perfectly sane but… now it seems that I’m sane, people are lashing out on me because of stuff I did when I couldn’t think straight at all. There is no fairness in this. I find myself gradually being pushed to the edge. Every time this happens (which is rather often) I find myself contemplating suicide again. really, isn’t it better to press the restart button? The only thing holding me back is the knowledge that there is no restart button, there is only the termination button.

What do I mean by mistakes? Lets talk about delusions coz I think most people whose got a bipolar partner should really try to understand. Let’s make our bipolar a girl (Roxy) who is attractive (easier for me to explain) and the guy a normal sane guy (John). In her mania, Roxy dated a string of guys. She fell in and out of love easily. Every time she was in love, she did think she was truly in love. She strongly believed in it and would do anything for the guy at all cost. Basically, it’s a delusion. Only when she slips out of this state will she realize that actually her real love is John. But because she knows her state, naturally she won’t date John as she’ll think its not real love. So when it comes to this love thing, she really doesn’t get to know what really true love is. I think a classic example would be Lord Byron or Charles Dickens. And if Roxy dates a guy during her depression, delusion can still occur and she won’t leave, even if the guy abuses her.

Basically there is no logic to delusions. It would be really unfair if John, who starts dating Roxy after she regains stability (after treatment) blame her for dating a string of guys or sticking to the abusive guy. This is because Roxy who was in delusion would not have been able to make logical decisions at all, she herself wouldn’t have realized she was not really in love with any of those guys. The worse thing John can do to Roxy is to blame her for dating other guys and not him. can you imagine how Roxy would feel? She’ll feel dirty, unworthy, unforgiven, cheap. She’ll hate herself for being bipolar because that was the root to the problems. This is what a normal partner shouldn’t do to their bipolar gf/bf. As a partner, one should be more understanding, when mistakes like these are made, the partner should be the one helping the bipolar to accept herself/himself again. its not like they are cheating or anything.

In fact, I personally feel that no matter what type of mistakes a bipolar committed during their insanity, their partner should not bring it up. don’t we feel bad enough? don’t we hate our past enough? People should help mental patients get a new life after medication not torment them for their past. Really if you think about it, don’t sane people make mistakes too? what about those who can’t think straight, we make mistakes without knowing, so don’t we deserve to be forgiven? And the fact that we aren’t sane during those moments, why can’t people just look beyond all that and let us start life afresh with our new found sanity after treatment? Now really, if Ris Low is really Bipolar, we should forgive her for her credit card fraud, her think highly of herself syndrome etc…

Anyways, this is just what I think, I’ve not been very happy the whole evening.

40+ to 60+ = rudest people in Singapore

2009-10-18T18:44:00.000+08:00

Ok I’m writing this post because I am very very very sick of this group of people (40+ - 60+ year olds). They are the rudest lot of in singapore, next to the china people here. Let me tell you guys a few stories that have happened to me just within the last 2 week.

Last Saturday, I was queuing to buy some junk food at old chang kee. I was second in the queue and there was a guy behind me also. Then this stupid fat Indian woman who was somewhere in her 50s, squeezed herself between the guy in front of me and me. she pushed me so hard that I nearly toppled over. Then she took out her money, kept shafting it to the counter lady and started demanding that the counter lady gave her her curry puff. I was super pissed, so I gave her the evil eye, then I turned around and made a face to Neubs (but Neubs wasn’t behind me, instead the guy queuing behind me saw it). I made it known that I was pissed with her and I’m not going to let her jump queue. The counter lady was also very smart, she knew what was happening and she wasn’t going to let that Indian woman jump queue also. So the counter lady started saying repeatedly ‘who come first? Must queue.’ The Indian woman ignored her and continued doing what she was doing. Then the counter lady ignored her and asked me for my order. HA! The Indian woman was so pissed that she couldn’t jump queue, she got angry and walked away. Stupid woman!

Oh ya and last week, on my way home from fetching Nigel (my youngest brother) this happened right in front of my eyes. See the bus was very very packed, kids were going home from school and adults were going home from work. This Ah beng stood right in front of me (I was sitting down), he couldn’t move in anymore coz it was really too packed already. then this old Indian guy about 60+ nearing 70, who was just behind him shouted at him ‘EXCUSE!!!!’ directly at his right ear (actually when I saw the old man, I wanted to give him my seat but after I heard him shouting at the Ah Beng for nothing, I couldn’t be bothered). Naturally the Ah Beng was pissed coz what the hell, he got shouted for nothing but nonetheless he shifted a bit to allow the old man to squeeze further in if he could. And I tell you guys, the ah beng did pushed himself to the edge of the door just so the old man can squeeze in. BUT, the old man then went on to shout ‘MOVE!!!!!’ so the Ah beng got even angrier and started giving him the ‘want to fight or not stare’. The old man then said ‘F*** you!!!! I said MOVE!!!!’ then the beng said ‘F*** you,CBCB,KPKB!!!!! Lets go down and settle la!!!! Go la!!!!” They then exchanged a lot of stares and F words and hokkien vulgarities until the An beng reached his stop. The old man very shit. After he went to the back (bulldoze his way through), he set next to Jordon’s grandfather. He told Uncle that the Ah Beng banged him, TOTAL LIES!!!!!!!!! Amazing!!!! Vulgar, liar, a true shit. Anyways, that was not the first time I saw this old man picking fight in the bus, he witness another similar scene of his just a couple of months back with my brothers.

Ok the next story about nasty old people actually happened this morning when I was paying my Starhub handphone bill at seven eleven. See there was a queue, then this Chinese woman about 50+ nearing 60 who wanted to buy newspaper, jumped queue. She just jumped queue like that despite the long queue behind!!!! She took her money, and pushed it into the cashier’s hands and walked away. After she left, the lady in front of me paid her stuff. Then, an old man also about the woman’s age did the same thing. I was like, what the hell!!!! And this happens all the time, every time I buy newspapers or pay bills, this happens. Horrible.

Frankly, stories of nasty old people will continue and continue. Perhaps you may wonder why I am picking on this age group. That’s because this age group is indeed the rudest section of the population. These people were born during the baby boomers and pre war time, where it was normal to have 10-13 siblings. It was during this time that parents usually left these kids on their own to fight for themselves etc… and usually older siblings were the one who tended to them when they were younger. Basically, one cannot really expect them to have manners or anything because there really was no one to teach them. I think they were also the reason why the Singapore government had that courtesy campaign in the 80s, these people really need it. oh man they are SO ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!

I got the job!!!!

2009-10-16T19:52:00.000+08:00

I GOT THE JOB!!!! I GOT THE JOB!!!! After 5 tiring interviews with the same firm, I got the job!!! Yay!!!!! Will be starting work next month, I’m looking forward to it.

Amanda--- Horrible Mother

2009-10-16T13:35:00.000+08:00

There is this family living on the 4th floor that every one I know in my neighborhood is talking about. I’ll give you guys a little background information about them.

The family consist of the mum (Amanda), dad, daughter (Samantha, oldest child, 11 years old), son No.1, son No.2 (Sebastian, 7 years old), and son 3 (Kindergarten). The parents had a shotgun marriage; mum married at 18 and gave birth to Samantha. After that they continued to have more kids despite financial problems. She stopped giving birth after that coz the hospital suggested that she put that contraceptive patch since she’s got financial problems and can’t take afford to have so many children. I think thats fine but the thing is, the mum is horrible!

She is known in the neighborhood as being extremely lazy (and fat). She sleeps till the afternoon and never wakes up in time to send her children to school. In fact she only wakes up when its time for her youngest son to go to kindergarten and very often, he is very very late for school. If you guys think ‘oh may be the school is far! That’s why la!!!’. NOPE!!! The school is just under our block ---PAP Kindergarten. The best part is, this, if, she only wakes up to send the youngest one to school, that means for her first 2 kids, she doesn’t wake up for them at all. And her second son is also very young; I’m guessing that he is about 8 since he is in the morning session. Oh ya, after she sends the youngest boy to school, she goes home to sleep again. There is a reason to all her sleeping ---- She stays up all night playing mahjong.

Well, late doesn’t seem like that big an issue really but what she does to the 3rd son, Sebastian is awful. Sometimes, she doesn’t send the youngest one to school, she gets Sebastian to do it and he is only 7. she doesn’t prepare lunch for him before he heads off to school either. Very often, my mum sees him eating bun under our block at 1pm when he is supposed to be in school already (school starts at 1250pm for those in the afternoon session). And, its not her who buys the bun for him, its he himself who crosses the big road, goes to the provision shop and comes back to eat under block. And after he is done, he goes to school by himself, taking the public transport and crossing more roads after that. The thing is, he is only 7! And he’ll be in school all the way till 630pm, is a small bun enough to fill his stomach?

She is very good in making use of her children. Samantha has always been forced to take over Amanda’s responsibility as a mother. And this started since she had her first sibling so can you imagine how old she was then. I used to see her when she was as young as 5-6 years old, having to take care of her younger brothers while they were playing downstairs. I even saw her bringing the boys home from the MRT station by herself without her parents, on public transport. And since Sebastian went to primary 1, she has been fetching him home from school everyday. She had to carry her own bag (plus she’s got a very very small frame, she looks like a 9 year old child, very skinny and short) and Sebastian’s bag, in a crowded bus where there are no seats. I’ve taught Samantha tuition before and I can say she doesn’t bath. She smells very badly. In fact, I also realized that she wears her school uniform from morning till night despite the fact that she finishes school at 1230pm.

Ok before I mentioned that Sebastian has to buy his own lunch from across the road right. There was once, I went to the provision shop to get some stuff and I saw him alone, doing grocery shopping for his mum. That time, he was only about 4 years old. The shop keeper was shocked to see him and she told him to tell his mum this (she spoke in Mandarin), ‘Next time tell your mummy not to send you out to buy stuff, its very dangerous for you to cross the road by yourself’ he nodded but I doubt that Amanda got the message because a few days later I saw him there again, alone.

But if you think that’s bad, I’ll say hear this first. The other day, Aunty Harti saw Sebastian downstairs holding a $50 note by himself as usual. So she asked him ‘boy, why you got so much money?’ know what he told her!!! ‘my mummy ask me to pay electricity bill.’ When my mum told me that I was like, ‘WHAT!!!!!!!!!’

Amanda really doesn’t bother about her children’s safety at all. For the past 2 years, she’s been more interested in money then her daughter’s safety. They started renting out 2 of their rooms for $550 each. And know who they rented it to? China men. the thing is, how can you trust other men living in the same house when you have a daughter? But she likes the money more. anyways her husband works in a coffee shop and earn $800 a month, so for now, financially she is ok. BUT… ok next paragraph…

She spends all the household money on laptop, games, PSP, mahjong and the good food she eats. She haven’t paid any of her housing loans, and owes HDB about 100k still (most people in my neighborhood have paid everything back a few years ago) The thing is, that’s fine, but she doesn’t feed the kids. I’ve seen them eating dinner at 830pm, after the dad comes home to prepare food for them. And they only eat plain rice with 2 pieces of nuggets each. That’s all!!!!!!!!!

And we heard that he husband lets her be like that because he is scared of her. I don’t know if she abuses him but Jason have seen her abusing the kids. He saw her using a belt to whip the kids!!!!!!!! He asked her to stop but she barked at him ‘Why must you care, I can treat my children anyway I want!!!’ --- in Mandarin.

She’s just awful. I wish I could report her to the police but in Singapore, there are no laws to protect kids who has this type of parents. So shit.

Anyways, I’ve got an interview at 4pm, ttyl. Wish me luck!

Interviews

2009-10-13T19:22:00.000+08:00

I remember that I was supposed to update about my interview. Ok I’ve gone for 4 interviews in 3 days. 1 for company A. It wasn’t the type of job that I was interested in so ya, I didn’t continue with the 2nd interview. On the job ad it stated that it was for a position of a business development executive, but when I went for the interview they were actually looking for a financial consultant --- insurance.

After that I started applying for jobs again, then Company B called me down for interview. For them, I did 3 interviews in 2 days. Unfortunately I failed the personality test, they said that they will call again but so far…no call. I told my parents and Neubs that if they don’t call by tmr, I’ll start sending out my resume again.

Seems like my daddy is pretty anxious for me to get a job. I guess all of you know that I’ve got financial difficulties and all. We’re barely surviving so my parents really do need me to work. Once I get a job I’ll be paying the utilities bill and telephone/internet (for a start). Definitely once I start making more money, I’ll help out more but with a low starting pay… ( In Singapore our salaries are kept really low for some reason ---FDI) yap so, I just need a job with good prospects, I don’t mind working hard, in fact, I’ll work very hard.

Ris Low---Bipolar?

2009-10-11T20:19:00.005+08:00

Ris Low has been making headlines since that video from Razor tv got out. Everything started with that bad English of hers then the credit card fraud etc… I admit, I really felt she was unsuitable to be Ms. Singapore, I thought like the rest of Singapore. I felt that she was shameless, a liar, and that she brought a really bad name to Singapore. Plus even Norwegian news talked about her how bad can that be. and really, I thought that her bipolar was fake esp because she only got herself checked because her lawyer asked her to. You know to get leniency for her credit card fraud.

she does seem like a bipolar then again she doesn’t. In her recent interview with channel news asia, she tried to clarify certain things

She said: "I don't mean that stealing credit cards was fun. But the thrill that I felt - the feeling that I got from stealing credit cards was there. That was what I was trying to explain. But it's not that I am encouraging young people to steal credit cards or anything like this.

"When you have bipolar, you're always out to seek adventure, to seek something new, something fun and something that's out of the world that nobody can do. Something that is totally out the world and you have such a hot passion for."

That I can totally understand because I was like that too. though I’ve never stolen but I’ve done other things like except dares eg dancing on tables in front of a crowd etc…, just go up to strangers and start talking to them coz I found that a challenge, scold Ah Lians, scold teachers. I even cheated in class for Chinese spelling and told my classmate answers to a math examination during the exam. I guess ris low used her mania for bad things but I guess I was smarter to use that same thing for better stuff like public speaking or drama.

Then she talked about overspending, well I’m like that too.

Initially I didn’t believe her claim about that whole bipolar thing is because she said her depression only last for 2-3days. That’s not even considered a clinical depression. then she said stuff about how her mood can change within a day. I found that suspicious too coz the idea of bipolar is to have prolong elevated or down moods. So a few hours don’t count, its got to be for days, weeks, even months of either a high or a low period. Then its the whole boyfriend thing. She said that meeting him for 2 hours a week was enough. if she was a bipolar I’ll say that’s definitely not enough. when I’m crazy I need Neubs every second. I’ll need him to hear me talk blar blar blar… .

Anyways I really don’t know what to think. And she’s so weird bipolars don’t see psychologist unless their doing some therapy thing. We see a psychiatrist and she didn’t even know that.

Anyways, I think if she is really bipolar her parents are definitely failing as caregivers. It is their job to make sure she doesn’t self harm. All these media attention is self harm. Harm to her future and all. coz she's the one calling the media and telling them stuff. Seems like only a person in mania will say the things she said to the media. Usually one will be hospitalized if they reach this standard.

Oh ya another weird thing is, if she was really in mania (which all the current symptoms she seems to be telling us on the news) she won’t be able to talk so slowly in the interview, her answers won’t be so short, she would have talked way more, and most importantly, she would never have been able to sit so straight during the interview.

I find her really odd. Only her description about that whole feeling of stealing was accurate, others just make me question her. I must say I am no psychiatrist but I do have a lot of doubts.

The whole idea about her lawyer asking her to get diagnose is suspicious enough. coz when I first saw a doctor, it took about 6 months for an official diagnosis, and they only diagnoses me because I was hospitalized for a drug overdose. It did seem that the doctors were waiting for something to happen to me before they can give the diagnosis. Plus I did read on the net that the doctors do have to wait for some mania thing to occur then can they are able to give a diagnosis. So ris low saw a doctor and he decided she was bipolar really doesn’t make sense to me. of course we don’t know how he diagnosed her and what was the duration of observation so may be its not really right to comment. But nonetheless that’s how I feel.

Oh ya, another thing that kinda shows that she is bipolar is her believe that she is great, that she is very talented and all that. Yap. So think about it. I guess we’ll never know if she is really bipolar or not. Only God will know. coz its really easy for a person to fake bipolar, just go online and learn the symptoms, then act in front of the psychiatrist like Suba's mum.

Frankly when she first announced that she was bipolar, I was like SHIT!!!!!! So EMBARRASSING!!!! BAD NAME!!!! sigh… Neubs mum will have more reasons to hate me. horrible.

Novena Exorcism Saga -- who is who

2009-10-11T14:09:00.000+08:00

Do you guys remember the Novena Exorcism? I know I’m a little late but I caught on anyways. I was reading the ‘court room’ in STOMP and I made an amazing discovery!!!!!! I wonder if other CJCians realized this before me, but Neubs certainly did not.

Anyways, for those who can’t remember the case or don’t know the case at all, this is the brief summary of it. this woman, sued Novena church for causing her psychological problems. She claimed that Novena’s forced exorcism (which they didn’t even do) caused her to suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. Novena got a PI to tail her for 4 months. they discovered that she only appeared sick, and needed someone with her when she went to see her psychologist/ psychiatrist and on other times, she went for gym, go temple etc on her own…without any signs of a psychological disorder. anyways, that woman lost the case coz her story didn’t add up but they couldn’t catch her and all the witnesses for lying due to the lack of evidence (such a waste)

Anyways, here is the thing I wanted to tell all of you. One of the witnesses was that woman’s daughter. When I saw her picture, I found her strangely familiar. Then I read her name: Subashini Jeyabal!!!!!!!!! Straight away, I went to check my 2002 CJC Yearbook, class 1T06. and I was totally right!!!!!!!!! When I read how STOMP described her, I just knew I got that girl right. It is Suba alright. I used to hang out with her before assembly and chatted with her all the way till flag rising. I was introduced to her by Gwen (the girl who was famous for having 4 bfs at one time and sleeping with numerous random guys, which she also proudly boast to us about). Ya anyways, the first time I met Suba, she told me that she was from RGS, I didn’t believe her at first coz she doesn’t look very smart (but after talking to her you’ll realize that she can be smart if she wants to, though it seems like she really doesn’t want to be smart), her mannerism was pretty rough, she was a little too fiery. But anyways, Chun confirmed to me that ya she was indeed from RGS. I did like Suba quite abit coz compared to my absolutely boring, political, 2-faced, geeky class, she was a lot more fun, her stories were very interesting, though I took care never to believe any of them. I wouldn’t say I was good friends with her, she was just there and it was fun talking to her, we never talked about anything personal.

Anyways, if you’re a 2002-2003 CJCian, you’ll probably know her, esp if you’re Indian. I know the guys used to call her boobs papaya coz they were so big. She dated Hassan Aftap from T26 in JC2. Hassan used to hang out with Kavan and Joseph Tee and Prak, he was a Pakistani (I think he went back to his country already) with very exotic looks but with a midget’s body, a rather smart guy but with terrible dress sense, he used to live in orchard. Oh Suba used to hang out with Sandeep, this singh from T06 also. they used to hold hands in school, but their friendship was platonic. He was super skinny but a pretty nice guy.

Anyways, Suba suddenly dropped out of JC just as the As was approaching. She told me that she was going to KL to study. I found it strange but didn’t question.

Anyways, I really hope she’s fine. After her mum lost the case, they’ve got this huge load of legal fees to pay. Scary!!!! Plus everyone is saying that her whole family’s a liar. Oh well…I’ve not seen her for nearing 6 years…if I do see her again, I really don’t know what to say. I guess it’ll be like a hi bye thing like most of the other ex school mates I’ve seen over the past few years.

Collision

2009-10-08T10:11:00.001+08:00

I really should update about Neubs mum and I. there is good news I guess. She has been pretty quiet on the whole. She knows about us going out but isn’t making trouble (but not totally) we kinda had an sms war.

15/09/09 3.58pm
NM: 4 yr info, nicks car wich hes drivin is our family car, pls dnt put watnots in2 it, thk u! M/M (father’s name)

~~~ I’ve left out his dad’s name coz i don’t really want people to know who he is, esp when he is a well respected man. really, who knows who actually stumbles on my blog.

~~~I knew Uncle had nothing to do with it. coz, he did tell Neubs that I was Neubs’s choice, it’s Neubs’s life and if I’m in the equation then I am in. he made it known that he doesn’t oppose to our relationship at in. In fact I met him twice and he was really nice to me.

~~~I knew instantly it was Neubs’s mum coz she’s msged me twice before, once to my sister (tried to ruin my sister and my relationship)

~~~I knew what she was referring to, the pillows in Neubs’s car. I made it for him not too long back for 2 reasons actually. Firstly, its my way of saying ‘I love you’ and secondly..he he he!!!! Its for my comfort. Besides I’m the only one whom he drives around frequently, I doubt his parents take his car when they have their own cars.

Anyways this was what I replied.
ME: My phone is for friends only, please do not disturb me.

~~~she actually stole my number from Neubs’s phone at the beginning of our relationship. Apart from my number, she stole my sister’s and my house phone. My mum was saying, “oh thank goodness she doesn’t have my hp no!!! if not she’ll waste all my credits!!!!” (my mum uses pre paid btw)

15/09/09 4.04pm
NM: Then Don’t disturb our son (Neub’s full name) & wreck our family if u thk we r yr foe!

~~~I told my mum about it later and she was like. Ya even if I don’t disturb Neubs he will still come to me.

~~~I guess that woman never expected me to reply coz the last 2 times I kept quiet and got pretty upset about it. this time round I was actually pretty happy taking her on. I guess she really caught me in the wrong mood. I was hypo at that time, so duh I’ll fight back.

ME: You are the one destroying your relationship with your son with all your tantrums and prejudice so stop blaming other people.

~~~I was really having fun at that time, I was really happy that I actually had the courage to face her. anyways I was forwarding all our msgs to Neubs.

15/09/09 4.16pm
NM: My relationship wit my son is fine, u r e 1 whos tryin 2 destroy it, anyway blood is thicker than water ;-)

ME: I really pity you, all you ever care about is what you want. Please your relationship wasn’t fine at all. He hates you so much, he only listened to you because you’re such a tyrant and was scared of you.

~~~the war ended there. She never replied me or picked another fight with me after that. But she did fight with Neubs about it. But Neubs settled it.

~~~I heard she cried because of my last msg. but I was just stating what she knew already. she knows, deep down inside her heart that Neubs still hates her after all these years for abusing him. that’s why she couldn’t reply me after that.

Anyways, I’m keeping all these msgs on my phone as proof. I’m posting it in my blog just in case those msgs get deleted accidentally also I want to share it with my friends, didn’t really get to tell and show you guys the msgs.

Wondergirls-- Nobody

2009-10-07T09:30:00.000+08:00

This song is so shit. Every time I listen to it I really can’t stop laughing. Ok I admit, even when I think about it I can’t stop laughing. Its so stupid!!!!!

Alright, the tune is catchy, the girls look ok (but identical), the video is fine, but there is just his part.

I want nobody nobody But CHOOI!!!! I want nobody nobody But CHOOI!!!!
I want nobody nobody But CHOOI!!!! I want nobody nobody But CHOOI!!!!

Instead of you, they go CHOOI!!!! What!!! PIKACHOOI!!! Or CHOOI CHOOI!!!! And do you guys know what chooi means in some chinese dialect? It means DICK!!!!!! And in the dialect, Dick is not supposed to be the name dick, it means PENIS!!!! So the song is actually going

I want nobody nobody But DICK!!!! I want nobody nobody But DICK!!!!
I want nobody nobody But PENIS!!!! I want nobody nobody But PENIS!!!!

Well to be fair, they are Koreans, but hi, its their debut American album, shouldn’t they have some language coach or something that would ensure they actually pronounce things properly? Well, if things are going internationally, there must be some standard right. Just like ris low ( I won’t even bother putting the first alphabet of her name is capital because she is so shit), she sucks, so she shouldn’t represent Singapore at all. Anyways, I’ve got a lot of things to say about ris low aka lowly ris. But I’ll do it in my next post or the next one or the next one, depends if she still interest me. anyways, I need to go pak tou with Neubs now. my interview’s at night… I’ll update.

i'm back

2009-10-06T20:43:00.000+08:00

I’ve decided to allow everyone to view my blog again. reason is pretty simple actually. I realized that there really isn’t much purpose to have a blog that can be viewed by a couple of people only.

Anyways, a lot have happened. I’m currently looking for a job. I’ve got an interview tomorrow. Hope all goes well and that I can finally change my status of being unemployed to fully employed. And what I think is more important then that is, for me to actually have $$$!!!!! I’ve got a whole list of things to buy already. Bags, clothes, laptop, toys, and some special stuff for Neubs (which I won’t say what.)

Neubs has graduated. He is currently doing his conversion course in NUS. He has also secured his training contract so all is well with him.

As for my mental state, I must say its pretty good. My mood swings are very mild now. just some time back I was hypomanaic but I didn’t even realize it. I was very into gossips, talked day and night. I exhausted the ears of Eva, mummy and poor Neubs. I had stories to tell every second, read newspaper just to talk more and was especially interested in the lowly ris saga (am still following). I went for check up at the end of last month. Saw Dr. Khare (last time I saw him was 6 months ago, have been seeing Dr. Peter) since I didn’t realize I was hyper, I told him I was doing fine. strangely he didn’t find anything wrong with me, despite me telling him the numerous things that I’ve been doing lately. And that includes lots and lots of baking. But I guess overall I’m really fine. no crazy spending sprees or excessive weight gain or lost.

Anyways, I only realized I was hypo when I gradually became really down last week. I was awfully depressed for about 4 days, still am rather down but I’m coping fine. can function and behave pretty normally.

Neubs have been trying to cheer me up. yesterday he brought me to hard rock café for lunch, ate potatoe skin and this dish that I can’t even spell. The food was really good. Very cheesy. I was thinking Shaun (my 2nd brother) would love the food. Then we’ll be catching an art exhibition on our next date which is tmr.

Neubs is a guy who plans our date very well. Since he’s been back, we’ve gone to east coast for dinner and cycling, Raffles hotel for Singapore sling and peanuts, Brewerks for drinks, shokudo for that mango thing, yet con for chicken rice, Boon tong kee for chicken rice, another place for chicken rice, soup restaurant, santouka, and the list goes on. I guess its a lot easier now that he’s got his car.

Anyways, there are so many things to update you guys on. I’ll tell you all slowly (now that I’m not hypo anymore).

Chalet

2009-05-29T11:59:00.000+08:00

Neubs and I will be organizing a chalet this coming Aug when he comes back. its like I want our friends to meet. The thing is, its kinda ex, so we’ve got to spilt the cost amongst our friends. I’ve not asked most of my friends. Basically busy with other stuff at the moment. Soon. I wanted the chalet because you know Neubs usually has a summer party. Since eons ago its been in his house. And because of his mum I can’t go and all. So ya, I want to have a party too (without his mum). Also we’ve been dating for a pretty long time. I really want our friends to meet. I don’t really like it that we’re always going out with his friends and never mine. I feel like for so long I’ve left my friends out. So if our friends knew each other, we can all go out together next time. so cool right. I mean I think my friends are all really cool. though fur and Paul are extremely annoying. But ya, Lilian, Marie, they are all really sweet. I want Neubs to know my friends also, he’s got the impression that my friends never support me, are never there for me etc…he just thinks really badly of all my friends because of Candice Gomes. She was an ass, a manipulative freak and all. So ya. I hope we’ll all have a great time.

the Italian man who went to Malta

2009-05-29T11:58:00.000+08:00

i promised Shaun i'll put this up

Die Toten Hosen: Zehn Kleine Jägermeister

2009-05-19T13:30:00.002+08:00

This is one of the first German songs i listened to. i actually learnt German for a while for Neubs. that was before we got together.

i only understand part of it, never got Neubs to translate it for me. which come to think about it, i will once his exams are over.

its really cute.

FREAKS!!!!!!!!

2009-05-19T13:28:00.002+08:00

China people just disgust me. the other day I was walking to work. Then one little girl dropped her stick of some fried stuff on the road side. one china woman picked it up and return it to the girl and told her that its clean she can still eat it!!!!!!!!!!!!! GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the father of that girl, also some china person was ok with it. he just let his daughter chew on the germs filled, gravel filled piece of fried food. YUCKS!!!!!! I mean it’s the road side for goodness sake. People spit on the road side all the time and its not like you know what sickness they have. dogs walk on the same road side and pee there, shit there. I guess you guys know what I mean right.

Then yesterday. I was meeting some of my colleagues to pick up dinner with them. This china guy was riding his bike, going super fast, top speed at a square where many people gathered. He nearly knocked me down. Luckily I moved aside but instead of me, he knocked an old man down. horrible and he didn’t even say sorry. Asshole.

Just when I thought I had seen enough of china people. I was in the train and this china couple came up the train. The girl got a sit and you know where the guy set!!!!!!!!!! He set right in the middle of the train on the floor!!!!!!!!! I wanted to take a photo of him and send it to stomp lor. The train was very crowded and many people were getting in and out of the train. He was totally blocking people. what asshole lor. Some more talk so loud disturb everyone’s peace.

Everyone hates china people because of all the nonsense they do. They are rude, heartless, greedy and dirty. I hate it when people come telling me that my ancestors are china people so I’ve got to be nice to these china freaks who infiltrate Singapore. There is a lot of difference. Firstly, Singaporean Chinese have our own set of culture, we have been taught to be civilized. Basically we are different from them already thanks to our education etc… china people are china people they come from a country which only teaches them those dog eat dog world trades. I’m perfectly cool with those Chinese immigrants who have learnt to integrate into the Singaporean society. Those with good manners, not greedy or stingy. But I just hate those horrible types. Anyways, I don’t really like calling myself Chinese. I prefer calling myself Peranakan Chinese because that’s what I am. I’m not pure and I’m so proud of it.

Ok this is Stupid Shit

2009-05-12T18:48:00.001+08:00

Neubs showed me...as usual...anyways. Fast and Furious Hokkien Drift.

some good stuff

2009-05-10T21:18:00.001+08:00

really good stuff. i love the piano. i told Neubs that i'll want a piano in our house next time. he'll be the poor thing to listen to all my noise. hehehehehe :)

stable? do i really have to be?

2009-04-28T12:05:00.001+08:00

I have a lot of questions about my illness. Everyone says that I have to undergo treatment but I find treatment a hindrance. I think I’ve become a very boring person, someone who doesn’t seek new challenges and explore the world like I used to. I think my self confidence, self esteem has plunged. I’ve got no ambitions now, I’m scared to undertake new projects and fear the unknown. I’m no longer the motivated adventurous risk taker. In life, we need to take calculated risk in order to propel ourselves forward. If we don’t we’ll just end up living a very mundane life. and that is my life right now. mundane, routinised.

It seems that treatment is about getting some consistency in life. True the life of a bipolar can be very erratic but I find that it is not necessarily bad. Treatment is all about becoming stable but I find more order in chaos. Its like when I see my psychiatrist as long as something like sleeping less, eating more or vice versa occurs, it’s a sign. And very often, that would mean a dose increase or an additional medicine. What my doctors want is for me to be stable but I find it very difficult to agree to that goal.

I really wonder if it is really necessary to be stable? i went through 22 years of my life without medication and I think I did very well. I’m just very sick of the whole need to be stable bit. I don’t see any great improvements in my life. I’ve just became a very boring person.

telemarketing and Neub's beautiful work

2009-04-25T16:36:00.002+08:00

I’m hyper manic so I’ve stopped my prozac. I’ve been waking up at 3-4am and sleeping at about 1am every night. can’t really make myself do anything, super short attention spend. But I feel so much more alive. Like finally I got my brain back. I hate that whole stable shit coz really I can’t analyse anything. its really awful because it feels like my brain cells struck. Anyways I’ve got to share some really good pictures. Neubs have improved a lot. Do enjoy.

Nothing much happened these few weeks. Work is work. Ya talking about work. You guys know right in the mean time I’m doing telemarketing till I get a real job. So you know you call someone and you’re being really pleasant and polite. The thing is, there are so many mean people out there. They go like ‘where you get my number!!!’ ‘Don’t’ ever call this number again!!!’ the thing is, everybody’s phone is listed, just flip through the telephone book and you can find everyone’s numbers. Like I really don’t see the point in personally attacking me. one guy even said ‘I’m not you friend why should I talk to you.’ These people are suck assholes but they are the minority. Mostly people are actually really nice about it and they actually thank me for calling them for such offers. Despite so, you know assholes just stays in your mind longer then the nice ones. The thing is telemarketers are just doing their job. Why should you scold someone who is just doing their job? Assholes!!!!!

anyways i've only put up a few of his work. can check out his albume if you guys want to see more

Dita Von Teese: Wonderbra

2009-04-18T11:02:00.001+08:00

Dita Von Teese is so beautiful!!!!

1234

2009-04-12T21:11:00.001+08:00

this song is for my Neubs. :)

these few days

2009-04-09T13:13:00.001+08:00

Sunday was fun. I made nonya food for the first time in my life. cooked beef randang, udang nanas and kang kong and some nonya kueh. At first I thought I was going to die cooking it but guess what, I really enjoyed the whole process. I guess its like that when you cook for the man you love. Neubs came, I invited Eugene along too (Neubs’s cousin). The two guys plus my dad finished two plates of randang within minutes. Initially I thought the food was too salty but all the man in the house found it ok. I didn’t use the blander, did everything the traditional way. tough job. I woke at 730 to go to the market and started cooking at about 10. I spent 3 hours cutting ingredients and the next 4 hours cooking and pounding. Really cool. I love nonya food.

Oh ya, I acted as an extra in one of the mediacorp Chinese shows. It was really stupid, very fun. I had to eat chocolate rolls for the shoot. I got to see Lee NanXing, Zoe tay, Hong HuiFeng and another guy in person. No big deal I’ll say. I’m just waiting for mediacorp to pay me.

BTW guys, I’ve got a part time job. Its telemarketing. Its actually very fun and stress free. My mum doesn’t want me to work too much coz I’m still having depression. actually I’m having so much fun working that I feel like getting another part time job. Neubs is fine with it but he doesn’t want me over working myself either. Oh well…I want to go for facial so ya I need the money.

Neubs's work

2009-03-30T10:11:00.002+08:00

I’m a lot better. I guess I’ve cried enough and gotten better. The prozac is helping too, oh I just love prozac.

Neubs’s parents just bought him the 5D MK II. It’s the camera his has been dying to get. Anyways, he tested it out on me. we went to haji lane for an afternoon photo shoot. Check out the pictures. I’ve not uploaded all the pictures. If you guys want to see the rest, you can go to my facebook to check it out.

I took this picture of Neubs. He is super fair right, compared to me. I’m brown and he is white.

sorry to the whole world for my existence

2009-03-22T18:56:00.000+08:00

I was hospitalized for depression but I convinced the doctors to let me out. Well, I promised Marie I’ll be there for her concert, so ya I didn’t want to miss it. Also, Neubs was coming back or rather he is back already. I really don’t know if getting discharged was right. My depression is very very bad now. while Neubs was in church I actually got out of the house, walked around the neighbourhood with suicidal thoughts again. I was thinking of going to the 24th storey and jumping down. Neubs came today, he told me he loves me and all that. Kept reassuring me and all but honestly… I really don’t know. I’m really really upset. He said he won’t see me till Saturday. He’ll only be back for 3 weeks and 5 days. He said he got to do work and all. I know I shouldn’t complain but… I’m just depressed. everyone should really just ignore me. I’m talking crap. ya. But I’m blogging today just to tell you guys that if I don’t blog for a while, its just that I’m depressed. sorry everyone. I’m such a sucker.

dealing with your boyfriend's Evil Mother

2009-03-10T18:15:00.000+08:00

I’ve been reading a lot of forums about dealing with The Evil Boyfriends Mother and the Mother in Law from Hell. I realized that most girls who are facing such problems also have a spineless boyfriend or husband. Most of them love their mother so much, give in to them all the time and expects their girlfriend to be nice to those ruthless witches. I think I’m really lucky to have Neubs because he promised that once he is financially independent (which by the end of this year), everything will change. No longer will he tolerate her tantrums, he will have dinner with me all the time and even if he gets chased out of the house, he won’t care. According to the advices people have been giving, they say the best way to deal with these witches is to cut them out from your lives altogether. Move out and never associate with them ever. Neubs’s mother is mentally retarded btw. I remember the last time we had that talk, she asked me this question. If Neubs and Eva were to be drowning in the water, who will I save? So I told her I would save Eva because Neubs would have wanted me to do that. She twisted what I said and said that I would save Eva first because I love her more. Her brain is wired is such a manner that she creates things in her brain and that she will not accept any other input. Yap, in fact I would very much prefer that she chases Neubs out, don’t ever associate with her. Its not be who stole her son, its her who ruined her own family by behaving like that.

road rage

2009-03-08T09:51:00.001+08:00

My neighbour, Mrs. Ng and her family are moving to Hong Kong. So they’ve got this load of stuff that they were giving away. Basically almost anything and everything in their house, esp clothes. Trust me, clothes were the toughest thing for them to pack coz Mrs. Ng is a compulsive buyer. She had a truck load of clothes, many of which she haven’t worn. Anyways, my parents suggested that she should give it to St.Mary’s of the angel’s thrift shop. My dad volunteered to drive the stuff over. He borrowed the company’s lorry and Ivan and I followed to unload the stuff. Here is the part that makes me boil even when I think about it. See while driving, my dad signaled that he wanted to turn. There was this Mitsubishi that insisted on squeezing through. They nearly collided!!!! Just when my dad was cursing at that driver, that driver actually reversed, and pointed his 3rd finger at my dad. I was so pissed so I made hand actions back at him. his number plate is something like this. SG (something) 2008 (something). The driver was a chinese guy, those very fair type. Man!!! talking about road rage I just wrote about this topic on our church’s newspaper a couple of months ago.

According to my dad, if you drive a lorry, those in cars will tend to bully you. These people are real shit heads. Cars in Singapore are expensive with the high COE and stuff so many people think they are so great when they can afford cars. Frankly, I don’t think cars owners are as bad as taxi drivers. Taxi drivers tend to make believe that they are the king of the road. Its like they reverse any time they like, squeeze through small openings, cut lanes anyhow etc… my dad hates taxi drivers. Neubs seems to hate bus drivers though, its like they do anything they like too. annoying. Every time Neubs or my dad drives me around, I always hear them cursing. I didn’t understand why when I was young, but now I do. Shit heads.

i think Singaporeans have a long way to go

2009-03-07T16:20:00.002+08:00

You know I really don’t wish to be explicit and I know we should promote racial harmony and accept different races, customs, and tradition and all that. But lets be honest with ourselves. Some customs and traditions are just not considerate to others. There is one particular race in Singapore that I don’t want to name but when I talk about it, everyone will know. Basically, they stink. Really don’t know what they apply on themselves but their smell just makes people want to puke. Like the other day I was in the bus and this lady stood in front of me and I nearly puked. I’m serious. Its not the first time this has happened. I remember there was one day I was going to school and this lady set in front of me and boy did she reek!!! And just nice I wasn’t feeling well on that day, was having stomach flu or something. I had to alight and vomit at the bus stop. That’s how terrible it is. The thing is, all Singaporeans ( not their race) complains about them and they themselves know whats wrong like why some people don’t want to hang out with them. Despite all that, they still continue to apply weird stuff. I mean if everyone hates that thing about them, that means its not socially acceptable, that means mostly its bad. So don’t you think that people should improve themselves? I know there is this thing about conserving customs and traditions but we live in a modern world, Singapore is a cosmopolitan city, we mingle with people of all races. There is a need to evolve and be more socially acceptable. Seriously that unpleasant smell would drive people nuts. I certainly can’t work next to a stinky person. We got to be more sensitive to our surroundings and ensure that we do the right thing to promote people to inter mingle. But don’t be mistaken I’m not saying all from this race stinks, there are those who have thrown the fart perfume away and these are the people who mix around with every other races very well.

Ok moving on to another race. For this issue its not only this race that does this but mostly its this race that have been doing it. ok the thing is they breed like rabbits. And the worst part is that the parents don’t give a shit about their children. In the buses and MRT, they can be screaming their heads off, dangling on bars and rolling on the floor. Its really annoying because people commuting want peace. The lack of discipline is probably why most of their kids end up having teenage pregnancy, getting into gangs, doing badly in school and ending up in ITE. I think if Singapore really want to move forward we have to educate these parents that children needs to be groomed. They need to be taken care of not left to survive on their own and annoy the rest of the population. Sigh…

And the 3rd most annoying race, those who burn incense. This one is easy to guess too but I’m not saying who. Seriously they are so selfish. Everyone knows that burning hell money will only increase global warming. The ashes can cause people like me to get asthma. its like I’ve been hospitalized so many times thanks to idiots who burn hell money outside of my doorstep. You know every year during the hungry ghost festival, the hospitals are packed with people suffering from asthma. this isn’t fair. Not just that, after burning their crap, they leave all those charred stuff at the void decks when the wind blows all these crap gets blown into our houses, all over the floors etc… the poor cleaners have to have a hard time cleaning up the place after that.

The last major group in our country is ok. I’ve got nothing against them. They don’t burn, they don’t stink and they take care of their kids.

You know ever since the racial riots long long time ago, the government has been trying to promote racial harmony. The thing is there really isn’t. Every race is just bad mouthing each other. The thing is all of them have their own faults. I think to have racial harmony we have to change ourselves. Quit doing certain things and all. I think the word is to modernize. Basically they are doing all these shit is because their so into superstitions and all that. Get a life man.

Anyways I’m saying all these because I’m not a traditional person and frankly I don’t practice any form of tradition and I think it’s a total waste of time. I only like my traditional costume but that’s about it. I think over here I might offend some people but I really don’t care. I’ve wanted to put up this post a really long time ago but didn’t do it. plus you can’t call me a racist also because I belong to one of the races that I’ve mentioned. This is just a very frank opinion of mine. And if you belong to anyone of them, just admit it, races in Singapore do have a lot of work to do to make ourselves accepted by everyone. Right now everyone is just tolerating each other because we don’t want to be thrown into jail for racism.

concerts

2009-03-07T11:38:00.000+08:00

Michael Jackson is having his final string of concerts in London this coming July. The King of pop haven’t performed since 10 years ago. I bet the concert will be great. I just read some report that there are about 16 000 people entering his concert’s official website just to get tickets. And with such heavy traffic, you can imagine the jam. Many people are complaining about not getting confirmation emails and all that after purchasing the tickets. Sigh.. so sad he is not coming to Singapore

Britney Spears just kicked off her circus tour and so far reviews have been great. The Pussy Cat Dolls are the one doing the opening. Should be fun.

Boyzone just reunited, Blur also just reunited but well all their concerts are in England, selling at about 40 quid. Its amazing, Blur’s tickets sold out within the morning (2hrs), that’s like 40, 000 tickets at I forgot which part of England. And because of that the organizers added one more day to their show. Cool.

And guess what, Katy Perry will be performing for Neubs’s summer ball!!!! And they are paying 37 quid for the ball and all. Nice right. I just love Katy Perry, her style is so beautiful.

In Singapore, Jason Mraz just did his show a couple of days back at the indoor stadium. Bet the response was really good. But well I only like the song Lucky. Nigel loves his other songs and plays them so many times that I got so sick of them.

Someone else will be performing on Tuesday I think but I totally forgotten who.

Oasis!!! Yes oasis!!! They will be performing on 5th April at the indoor stadium. Tickets are selling now. so cool. i haven’t listened to any of their new songs but I love their old stuff. Used to listen to them everyday. I think the cheapest tickets are going at $48. so if you guys go, tell me how it was ok.

And finally, Kaiser Chiefs will be performing on the 7th of April. I can imagine how Oasis and Kaiser Chiefs will be fighting for ticket sales. Neubs said that I’ve probably heard their songs before, but I really don’t know. Oh they are from Leeds!!!! Hahaha you guys are probably wondering whats so cool about Leeds. Well Neubs is studying in Leeds Uni. Cool?

Anyways here is one of my favourite songs from Blur.

i'm so lucky i'm in love with my best friend

2009-03-05T20:12:00.001+08:00

I think the best thing about my phone is the radio. I’ve been doing work and listening to music for the past 2 days. And yes because I’ve been listening to the radio, I discovered Jason Mraz which I know I’m super late. Like hi I haven’t been listening to music since my radio broke down when I was in sec 2. anyways I’m so in love with the song Lucky. I think its like Neubs and my song. Well I did treat him like my best friend in JC. Ya I know Candice Gomes was supposed to be my best friend then before our break up last year. But really, think about it she wasn’t really like a best friend then. We barely talked and she was so busy with all her ACJC friends that she couldn’t care less about me. oh well I don’t want to talk about her. she’s not worth talking about. Ya back to Lucky. Its like the lyrics is so meant for us. I mean we are separated with a lot of land mass and the big blue sea. Oh I miss him. the good news is, he is coming home in slightly more then 2 weeks.

Oh ya you guys see that new bar at the side of my blog? That’s my shop on etsy. Do check the stuff out ok. The photographs are Neubs’s work.

New phone

2009-03-04T11:37:00.002+08:00

yap this is the new phone i bought but mine is pink. The commercial looks really cool but I don’t really think it is. It only cost me $28. See starhub gave me this 100 bucks voucher and I used it. The actual price was $128. Neubs got it too but he doesn’t use it. The only difference is that he got it in 2007 and it cost him 350 bucks then. So cool I didn’t even know he got that till I bought it. Anyways, the boys are the ones having the most fun with my phone. They were playing games the whole of last night till there wasn’t any battery left. Oh ya and I brought Nigel to take pictures of snails with it after school. He loves snails btw. He draws pictures of snails everyday and acts like one too.

Oh ya I painted my nails red sadly the tips have chipped off already. Guess its because I use my hands a lot. But I painted it like 4 days ago so its expected.

hey

2009-03-03T14:44:00.002+08:00

I’ve been ill for the past 2 weeks. My flu and sore throat kept reoccurring. It was awful. I recovered like 2 days ago but have been very dizzy. My mum thinks its low blood pressure. I just took some medicine that my mum found in the fridge. I just hate feeling dizzy.

Anyways, i’ve transferred my blogshop to etsy. Viewership is a lot higher there. I mean its an entire market catered to those looking for handmade stuff.

Know what I really think okto should just import shows from overseas. The local production is just so stupid. They’ve got lousy acting and bad script. i really hate it when the tv is on during those local production. Such a waste of electricity. Oh the latest crap movie is school house rock the movie, a total copycat of high school musical. Sigh…Singapore shows are so embarrassing.

Oh Neubs introduced this hilarious show. Its call Lesbian Vampire Killers. It was full of crap. Watch the thriller. Its so funny. It’s a really low budget film, made for only 50,000 pounds. Really funny but definitely better then Singapore shows.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!!!!!!!!

2009-02-14T10:52:00.003+08:00

Today is Valentine’s Day. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!!!!!! Oh I miss my bf. Hehehe!!!! So happy, he sent me a bouquet of red roses. They look lovely and it came with a wonderful message too. oh I love him so much. He must be sleeping like a baby now. I wish I could see his face, must be super handsome.

I’m planning to move my blogshop to Etsy.com. I mean that’s where the buyers are. Its hard to sell on a blog because unless people stumble upon it, no one would really hunt for a blogshop. I guess I’ll be shifting next week or something. It’ll take me a while to do so. At the moment I’ve got a couple of projects to do. I might do less fabric bowls and more bags and stuff. Will see how it goes. For now, I’ve ran out of materials. Will be buying tmr when my dad drives me there. Will be buying a lot so I think I won’t be able to carry the stuff home on the mrt, so ya I need my dad’s help.

I’ll be selling Neub’s photographs also. When the shop is done I’ll post a link here so do check them out ok. And ya spread the word for me. thanks thanks thanks. In return I’ll post more stupid videos on my blog for your entertainment. Lol.

Swan Lake

2009-02-12T19:52:00.002+08:00

suddenly i love ballet. don't get me wrong, i really do love ballet. you can say i love all kinds of ballet. stupid ones, serious ones, funny ones etc...yap all kinds!!!!

The Dying Swan.

2009-02-12T19:46:00.002+08:00

this is not your everyday ballet. check it out.

Valentine's Day Handmade Felt Roses for sale!!!!!

2009-02-05T15:01:00.004+08:00

Hi all, valentine’s day is coming, so do you have any plans? How about putting a smile on your date’s face by giving her a bouquet of beautiful felt roses? Yes they are handmade by me and my mum. All the roses we have in stock are red which means sincere, passion, love and courage. The number of roses also has meaning. They are:
Single stock rose: ‘I love you but we are too young’/ total devotion
3 roses: I love you
6 roses: means that you need to be loved and cherished
11 roses: means that the person is truly loved
13 roses: means that she has a secret admirer.
24 roses: means that she is thought of every hour
36 roses: means romantic attachment
44 roses: pledge of unchanging love
50 roses: means that the love have matured well and never regretted
100 roses: means that till death do we part---happy union
108 roses: is a marriage proposal
365 roses: constant love throughout the year
1001 roses: faithful love forever
Price:
Single roses without wrapping at S$3 each
Bouquets:
3 = S$10
6 = S$17
11 = S$32
12 = S$35
13 = S$38
24 = S$70
36 = S$104
44 = S$128
50 = S145
Each rose is about the same size as the typical fresh roses. Stocks are limited so do place your order asap ok.

to order email me at anggolonians@hotmail.com. you can also msg me your order on my facebook or friendster. :)

random rubbish

2009-01-31T20:10:00.000+08:00

Yay!!!!!!!! I finally have photoshop and dreamweaver!!!! I can finally make my website!!!!! I’m so excited to use it. the thing is, it’s taking forever to install.

Oh oh I played bad with Ivan just now. it was fun. Went jogging after that but…only jogged one round cause I got a cramp in my leg.

Tmr is Sunday and I hope to do more work.

Anyways, now I’m a fan of the Killers. Love this song: human.

Oh ya, visit this website. Neubs showed it to me. its: www.strokemyox.com. You’ll love it!!!!

Happy Chinese New Year Everyone!!!!

2009-01-28T15:08:00.000+08:00

I think I can say for sure that I’m totally out of depression. my mood have been very stable. I’ve been happy, no more crying, no more moodiness etc… in fact, I’m once again looking forward to the future. I want to establish myself as an artist. I know I was trained as an electrical engineer so I won’t waste my 3 years of education. I’m going to make sciency art. It’s a lot of fun.

CNY was ok I guess. I talked and laughed so much during the reunion dinner that I lost my voice.

My dad brought us to sentosa on the first day of CNY. The crowd wasn’t good at all. It was filled with Banglas. Yes packed with Banglas and they are so perverted. My mum didn’t let Eva and I change into our bikinis because of them. Oh ya, my sister took out her pants half way while playing and all the Banglas rushed to take photo of her ass. Then they kept staring at her down there. Super gross right!!!!!!!!!!!!! Disgusting lor!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh ya the pharmacist screwed up my medicine. See my doctor wrote that I was to see her in 5 weeks and it happened to fall on the first day of Chinese new year. So they had to push it backwards by one more week. so instead of seeing the doctor in 5 weeks I’ve been scheduled to see her in 6 weeks. The thing is the pharmacist overlooked that and gave me medicine for 5 weeks only. So I’m 7 days short of lithium, 7 days short of resperidone, 7 days short of prozac. That 7 days is enough to coz me to be unstable. So now I’ve got to skip medicine every other day to minimize the effect. But ya I’m fine, no worries.

photography

2009-01-03T09:28:00.000+08:00

I love taking photos, yes I’m a camera whore. I want to get back into modeling or rather I want to model for Neubs. Guess I haven’t told you guys this, Neubs got a professional camera and all his lenses. He is really good at taking photos so if you guys need a pro camera man, can always ask Neubs.

And because I want to model again, I need to lose that 10kg I put on. Sigh….

i know what i want to be

2009-01-02T09:53:00.000+08:00

I finally know what I want to be. I want to be an artist. Ever since I’ve started making fabric bowls I have been drawn to fabric art. In secondary school, I was one of those 3 people who took art outside our curriculum. I was actually good at it and my pieces are still being exhibited in school. I wanted to take it in JC but I had to go to another school during the weekends for lesson so I dropped the idea entirely.

I love art and I know an art dealer which is good. I can sell my pieces for a living. Doing art actually stabilizes me…hmmm… I think I’m a very typical bipolar then. Many bipolars are artist and writers.

Though I’ve decided that I want to be an artist, I still want to be a writer. So I’ll still be doing freelance writing and giving tuition. I’m actually thinking of writing a book which I will do soon.

I’m still depressed but its milder now so I can actually plan for my future. I’ll be opening my blogshop soon. Within the next 2, 3 weeks I think.

everyone hates me

2009-01-01T09:56:00.000+08:00

The first thing Neubs’ friend said to me last night was ‘I don’t like you’. Am I that unlikable? I guess while I’m ill, everyone hates me. I was in mania more then half the time in JC and have definitely offended her then.

Since eons ago I know I’m annoying. During my schooling days, I used to have depression every holiday. I won’t talk to anyone so no one knew how sick I am. then when school term started I would get into mania and annoy the world.

I think Neubs will leave me one day. Every time I’m depressed he’ll leave me just like how he left me in JC2. no one likes a sick Joyce, I’m too unreasonable etc.... I think I’m destined to be lonely all my life. I think death is the best option for me.

I feel very pressured to recover just to save my relationship with Neubs. I don’t think he can stand me for long. I think he’ll be leaving me soon.

Prozac Nation

2008-12-28T11:25:00.001+08:00

Its been 6 days since I’ve joined the prozac nation. For the first few days I was still awfully depressed and suicidal. I’m a lot better now though. I’m beginning to do stuff. I’m giving tuition, doing household chores and hopefully going back to getting my business going. I’m trying to do freelance writing as well. I’ll be setting up another blog to showcase articles that I wrote while using my brain.

Looking at how I fall in and out of depression and mania, I doubt I’ll ever apply for a real job. I’ll work on my business, hopefully it’ll become big.

I was utterly depressed on Christmas day. Neubs came to see me at 1030pm, well he came as soon as he could. Felt better after seeing him.

Sorry guys, I’m still not ok, nothing much to update. Hope everyone had a great Christmas.

prozac and things my brother said

2008-12-23T17:58:00.000+08:00

I’m down, was really upset at what Ivan told Nigel. Nigel was laughing and Ivan was like oh you sound like you’ve got mental illness. Its like he is so freaking insensitive, whats wrong with having a mental illness. I feel like he is discriminating me. its so annoying. Neubs told me to not to take it to heart since he is young, he is 15, he should have more brains then that. Like he is looking down on me. its so annoying.

Anyway, I’ve finally seen my psychiatrist and I’ve been put on prozac again for my depression. doctor asked me a series of questions like how do you see your future. I was like I think I’m going to be dead before 40.

Sigh…

some stuff

2008-12-17T19:59:00.001+08:00

I’ve lost a lot of weight in just a few days. Sometimes I just love being depressed; it seems to help with weight management.

I’m better today, my mum gives me my medicine so I have to take it. still depressed but not that suicidal.

We had a little family project today. It was pretty fun.

I’m beginning to eat. I had lunch today and is actually hungry for the first time since don’t know when.

Nigel kept sticking to me the whole day, so cute. I really love my family.

And thanks to all my dear friends who have been so understanding and encouraging. I really appreciate.

Here are the songs I’ve been listening today.

better i guess...

2008-12-16T14:19:00.001+08:00

I feel better today. Things between Neubs and I are fine now. We’re back together, or rather, I went back to him. He said he never left me at all and has been there all along. I guess its just me, I was so depressed that I couldn’t feel any of his love but I’ve very much convinced myself that its my depression causing all these...may be…

He came at midnight on the day of his parents’ redundant thing, told me he loves me but I feel betrayed. Like why must he go when I was hovering on suicide? My life apparently doesn’t matter. I still feel betrayed, still feel that he left me to die and still feel like I’m not his number one. He came yesterday too, we watched Juno etc…I guess I’m sort of ok with him and that I know he loves me but you know all those feelings still persist.

I’m not really out of the suicide mood. my mum has hidden all the medicine, kept all the scissors but not the knives in the kitchen. i won’t kill myself too soon but If I get too depressed I just might do it on impulse.

He won’t be seeing me till Saturday coz he has to do work. I guess I’m on my own again as usual. But work is work…

Frankly its still early in the day to say whether I’m fine or not. My mood usually gets worst as the day progress.

how i feel

2008-12-15T11:55:00.001+08:00

Stress, anxiety and mainly disappointment have brought about the tumbling of my sanity. Heavy velvet cloud membranes are enveloping me, pushing me farther into the depths of the hungry quicksand. I’m sliding, spiraling into the vortex of a turbulent hurricane. At the eye I would be calm and tranquil once again but that would also be the place where i meet death.

Throughout the cold of the night, I have been planning my grand finale. What clothes to wear before the final act, what things to say before the final move… I have made my goodbye list but they seem like a pathetic thin sheet of memo. This only reinforces the notion of how lonely and unloved I actually am.

For the past 11 months I have been living a fantasy. An aced boyfriend who loved and cared for me, sadly this delusion and make believe fairy tale have come to a full stop. He has made his choice and that he showed last night. His parents mean everything to him and my life is just of an ant.

Depression didn’t come to me just last night. I have been battling it for weeks. I have made known to him the agony of which I have been living. I have told him of the horrors of demons gnawing at my flesh, now they are just tearing me up. If he really loved me he would have known how desperately I need him by my side. I had faith in him till last night…

When my depression was still mild I developed compulsive eating. Food addiction was everything. I chomped down large amounts of food, hardly even tasting. I had multiple lunches, multiple dinners and each time something went down my throat, I forgot my sorrows. Sadly now that the reverse have happened.

I haven’t eaten for 2 days, today is my 3rd day. There is a perpetual lump in my throat that makes me feel like throwing up. Food taste like sand and the look of them just brings me disgust. The moment I hold anything up to my lips, guilt swarms my mind. A tape recorder starts playing ‘he doesn’t love you because you’re sick.’ Compulsive eating marked the beginning of my depression and that was when he left me.

My mum keeps urging me to go to the hospital but what is the point. I would just be locked up in a psychiatric ward for an entire month like a caged up monkey. Medical bills would just add on the stress that started my whole episode of depression. it’s a downward spiral. I can’t go, we’re too poor.

I wish for anything else in the world to feel his love again, to know that I am his priority. He keeps saying that he loves me but at the same time he is impatient with me, he scolds me for being ill, he is angry at me, tired of me and he doesn’t want to see me. I know he is frightened of my illness and like many guys before him; he would leave me because I’m ill. Perhaps he loves me but fear triumphs this love.

I admit that my thoughts have been clouded. I can no longer sense love and pain is all I feel. I’ve given myself a date to put an end to all these but before that I’m still searching for hope. Till then…

God, if there is a god, has forsaken me long ago. He made me to add some spark into some people’s lives, now I’m only a burden to my family, to him, to everyone else. I am like a black hole absorbing all the light in people’s lives. Whoever ventures close to me would be robbed of all the joy they once experienced.

My mind is dead. I am numb… forget me everyone.

life after death

2008-12-14T16:59:00.001+08:00

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life” (John 3:16)

There are many people with near death experiences who return to tell their tale. Many have claimed to see bright lights and feelings of peacefulness. Some on the other hand claimed to have been locked up in cellars and tormented for the wrongs they did while alive. All these anecdotes seem to point to the existence of life after death. The credibility to that claim is however based on a flimsy thread. Religions, popular belief of the existence of ghost, man’s pride etc… very much dictate this perception. On the contrary, there are little evidences to say that there really is life after death.

Humans are intelligent beings and are too prideful to believe that death ends it all. As self proclaimed superior beings to other creatures, man tends to believe that their lives are more valuable then any other thing. This pride, this believe of being special then leads one into believing that their existence are too special to be severed from existence. Hence, man created a life after death theory to stroke their ego.

Many fear death as what happens after death is unknown. Hence, to believe that there is life after death can alleviate this fear. It is comforting to believe that one’s existence will not be forever erased once our bodily mechanism crumples down.

Ghost sightings have also suggested that life after death is real. However, how credible are all these evidences? Do read the previous post.

Religion plays a big part in imprinting the idea of life after death in men’s minds. However, is it true or are we just being conned by religious inventions? During the dark ages, the Catholic Church used to force their parishioners to literally pay for their sins. In addition, much of their evidences are based on the Bible. One can then question the Bible. Are they really God’s work? This would lead to the debate of whether God is real.

I’m brain dead, depressed and bored. I feel like puking and can’t swallow food at all. Good news is that this might be the end of my binging. I’ve lost all faith in God, I think there is nothing to live for anymore. I’m numb and ya I don’t believe in life after death. Eva just told my mum about the pills I ate. Big mouth. Mum just questioned me but have left me alone. I wish I was dead.

Scientific explanation of Ghost

2008-12-14T15:34:00.000+08:00

Ghosts, spirits, these are terms that every living soul is absolutely familiar with. Each individual has a stereotype perception of it. Ghosts are pale white, ghosts have long hair, these are common description which has been influenced by Hollywood and popular novels. However, are there really ghosts? I’m beginning to wonder… there are mountains of scientific explanation to the non-existence of ghosts yet there is little evidence to support their existence.

Often, people claim that a ghost is present when cold spots are felt, noises are heard, smells are smelt, sensations are felt and the disturbance of electrical applications. Do note that rarely do people see any and much of the data collected are anecdotal. Men are known to exaggerate or even twist stories to their fancy, plus, the memory of men can be altered in moments of fear and hence not 100% accurate. So can these tiny amounts of ‘evidence’ be trusted? I’m doubtful.

The scientific evidence pointing towards the non-existence of ghosts is at least concrete.

An oversensitive brain forgetting to switch off its alarm system can trigger an episode of ghostly encounter. It is not uncommon for children running to their parent’s room, frightened of the ghost at their window or monster under their bed. Adults also have the tendency to look behind their back convinced that someone or something is there. This alert system makes one see or hears things which are not there. In addition with the vivid imagination of men, ghosts can then be created in one’s head.

Sleep paralysis can explain situation whereby the person is ‘awake’ yet being held down by a stronger being. This occurs when a person wakes up from an REM (Rapid Eye Movement) state. During an REM state, chemicals are sent to the nerves to stop any bodily movement. This is done to prevent a person from acting out their dream. Conscious waking before signals are sent to ‘release’ the muscles constrain, would cause the person to be awake yet unable to move. Influenced by horror movies, one then believed that he or she is being held down by a demon or, ghost.

Infrasound, a low sound wave (20HZ), that humans are unable to hear is more then often present in ghost haunting. It can be felt, giving the uneasy sensation of a presence. Also, in theory, the waves are strong enough to make a person’s eyeballs vibrate. The resonating eyeballs will then experience optical illusions which are often the ghosts that people see. In fact, infrasound is powerful enough to make tea vibrate in their tea cups and blades to vibrate, all of which one may confuse with a presence. Infrasound can be produced by anything, cars, the ocean, animals etc…it is apparently very common. Hence, it is commonly mistaken as the presence of a ghost.

Popular belief: Ghosts are a mass of energy---magnetic, electrical, or electromagnetic. In this dynamic world that we live in, there is different concentration of atmosphere throughout the day, resulting in varying electrical charges. During the day, the atmosphere faces the sun directly; this exposes it to the solar wind resulting in the thinning of the atmosphere, increasing its density. At night, things change. Without the strong influence of the solar wind, the atmosphere spreads over a larger amount of land and loses its density. This makes it less resistant to electric forces, causing the manifestation of ghostly phenomenon.

So now, are there really ghosts? The concept of ghosts has been around since the earliest history of mankind. There are many scientific explanations towards the non-existence of ghosts. Perhaps it is just a comforting invention about life after death, man are indeed too prideful to believe that everything ends with death. That is however, another topic to venture in.

I guess you call must be wondering, didn’t I just swallow a whole lots of pills to sleep off my sorrows? All I can say is that the medicine did not work. I was only drowsy for a few hours. Dammit!!!!!

no pain

2008-12-14T12:21:00.001+08:00

I’ve broken up with Neubs. He loves his mother more then me. he choose to go for his mother’s marriage renewal rather then seeing me. its not like he doesn’t know that I’ve been fighting depression for a while now and that it is getting worst. I admit that I haven’t been taking medicine and I’ve been lying, saying that I have. the thing about taking medicine is this. I’ve been taking it for him, because he says he loves me. but lately, I just don’t believe that he loves me anymore, his mother comes first. I refused to be placed second. Without his love, there is no reason for me to take my medicine anymore.

I’ve also been binge eating, ya my eating disorder is back. I’ve been trying to hide it but what the heck I’m bursting with sadness. I don’t care if the world knows about my problems now. apparently I gained 3kg in 3 weeks. I feel like shit, look like shit and is not loved.

When I broke up with Neubs I really felt like committing suicide. Then I thought about Nigel who loves me so much plus I didn’t have the pills to kill myself. My mum keeps none of those lexotan of whatever at home. Plus my psychiatrist refuses to prescribe them to me since my last overdose. The pain is killing me though so I’ve gone back to my pill poping dayings. I’ve got lots of flu medicines with me. just take a whole lot and go to sleep and all my problems will diasappeart. I’ve taken like 10 of them just a few mins baack and is waiting for theeddect. Its super slow compared to anxiety medicine. I heard some people don’t even feel the efftct. I must say I’ve getting a little numb. I’ve stopped crying and I feel less boterherd about breaking up with Neuisbs. Now I know why people do drugs. I can torally understand. My mind is getting slow and my hand eye coordination tis failing. I am dorwsi bbut ok. Think I should head to my bed and pretend that I’m just sleeping in for the day. I love this, it numbs me totally and I can’t feel the pain od depression at all.

Hellogoodbye---baby it's fact.

2008-12-09T20:46:00.002+08:00

i love this song so much and i'll love to sing it to Neubs. oh he can sing it to me too. :)

Just in case they're wondering
They've got us pinned terribly
They don't believe our love is real
Cause they don't know how real love feels

You should know it's true
Just now, the part about my love for you
And how my heart's about burst
Into a thousand pieces
Oh it must be true
And They'll believe us too soon

Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, our love is true

They may say some awful things
But there's no point in listening
Your words are the only words
That I believe in afterwards.

You should know it's true
Just now, the part about my love for you
And how my heart's about burst
Into a thousand pieces
So it must be true
And they'll believe us too soon

Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, our love is true

It's true
Oh oh oh
It's true
Oh oh ohhh
It's true
Whoa oh ohhh

Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that

Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that

Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Ohhh
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Baby, it's fact
Ohhh
Baby, it's fact
Our love
Our love is true

11th month anniversary. :)

2008-12-09T12:37:00.000+08:00

Haven’t updated my blog for about a week. well, I’ve been busy making fabric bowls. Yap, I’ll be selling them in my blogshop. They would be different from those typical ones one can find on the net. mine are mostly sweet with ribbons and flowers.

I’m taking a break today. Will most likely be busy with the housework. Though there isn’t much to do I think. I’ve washed the dishes. Think I’ll be ironing the clothes with the stream iron, the thing is, I’ve got to figure out how to use it.

Oh ya Ivan will be home tonight. yay!!!! Miss that little bugger. Wonder how is his stay, didn’t get to talk to him much online.

Yesterday was Neubs and my 11th month anniversary. So happy, soon it’ll be our 1st year anniversary!!!! Neubs sent me flowers and a bear. I’ll put up pictures of it once I get my camera back tonight. Ivan brought my camera to Japan. I want to make something nice for Neubs for our 1st year anniversary. Love him so much. :)

sigh...

2008-12-05T13:56:00.000+08:00

I’m really upset. I just started to sew my fabric bowl and the sewing machine’s needle broke. Now I’ve got to go to Bukit Timah to buy another needle. How awful. I feel like I’m cursed.

It’s the third day now. third day since I’ve felt significantly down. I feel like I’m a burden to everyone. Can’t even smile when Nigel tells me funny stories. Sigh…

Ivan just left for Japan

2008-12-03T18:15:00.001+08:00

Ivan left for Japan last night.

I think whoever’s on the same plane with him will have the most horrible flight on earth. There were about 15 of them from Ivan’s school. And there were about 60 Japanese high school kids on the same plane as them.

We saw a family and a Japanese business man checking in on the same flight. Can you imagine the noise they have to endure?

At the check in area, it was super noisy. Then the kids went in and inside was super noisy while outside got quiet. That’s awful. My family was laughing our pants off.

I’m not feeling very well. Getting depressed. I couldn’t eat and couldn’t do anything.

Ivan should be enjoying himself now.

end of the world. think again

2008-11-30T11:29:00.000+08:00

This protestant came knocking on my door just now. she was trying to preach to us. she was using the same old tactic. Oh the end of the world is coming and so we must convert. My mum told her we’re Catholics but she still continued. She was quoting from here and there (from the overly misused Bible) that the end of the world is coming. That all the natural disasters, diseases, greed and all that is a sign. What rubbish. I was very annoyed at her stupidity that I walked away.

Since the earliest history of man, there have been natural disasters. Catastrophes were as large scale as the ones we have today. Its normal. We had asteroids wiping out the dinosaurs; we had floods wiping out cities, earthquakes and volcano eruptions burying cities. We’ve had all that since eons ago. Diseases, famine, and starvation are not any rarer last time. In fact I dare say it was worst. The thing is, we didn’t have the media last time. Now everyone gets first hand news on everything from the newspapers, television, radio and internet. This makes the world smaller and it seems that we’re bombarded with news about disasters everywhere. It makes it seem like more is going round the world. Its just that we’re more informed about every little tiny news that’s all. Frankly I think we have less wars compared to last time. oh ya and the thing about greed. Humans have always been greedy, we’ve always wanted our neighbour’s share. Really I think that woman should really be given an education.

privacy??? Not here

2008-11-29T12:25:00.000+08:00

Nowadays teenagers and adolescents are always complaining that they don’t have enough privacy. This is however something I’ve never heard of by the rest of my family (I was the only one demanding privacy but that was when I was unmedicated). In my house, there are 2 teenagers and I, though no longer a teenager, have just gotten into adulthood. There are 3 bedrooms and 2 toilets in my house. I have a room on my own but 2 of my brothers (the older ones) and my sister share a room. Nigel sleeps with my parents. I have a room on my own simply because it is a really tiny room plus when we first moved into the house my bipolar condition was very very bad. I was mostly in rage and easily irritated so none of my siblings wanted to stay with me.

Ya but ever since I’ve been medicated my room is usually blasting with life. My siblings are always chilling in my room together with my mum. Occasionally my dad would come in to tell stories. So ya, my room is rarely empty. Even when I’m online with Neubs, half the time my family would be behind me chatting and sometimes reading my conversation. If I’m alone in my room, my door is rarely closed. Actually its only closed when Neubs is around and he wants to do some ahem!!! Oh ya and of course it’s closed when I’m changing. But even when I’m changing, sometimes my brothers would be in the room with me. They’ll just be instructed to turn around. Also, my mum and I are starting this blogshop and we do all the work in my room. So you can imagine what privacy I have. none.

As I said 2 of my brothers and my sister sleeps in the same room. That’s Eva, Ivan and Shaun. They’re all crammed in that shit hole. Sometimes they sleep with the door open, something I do as well. But I do it because I’m scared of ghost. Ok back to my siblings. Like me, their room door is rarely closed. And like my room, sometimes all 5 of us would chit chat in their room. We lay on each others bed and sometimes exchange bed to sleep. When I’m scared of ghost I’ll go over to sleep with them. Sometimes I’ll squeeze on Eva’s or Ivan’s bed, sometimes I’ll bring my mattress there. They however spend less time in their room compared to me coz during the day the boys would usually be in the living room.

The living room is where the boys are all the time right. They do their homework there, they watch tv all day long, and they play computer games there too. the thing is, amongst my siblings and parents we talk a lot. My dad tells us all about his work everytime his at the dinning table with us. We tell my mum all the stuff that’s happening in our lives, boring stuff or interesting stuff. We tell her everything. All our little secrets and whatever. So ya we talk so much and are always together.

I think Ivan, Shaun and Nigel don’t know the concept of privacy at all. Perhaps Nigel is the worst. He is 6 and he lets my mum, Eva and me bathe him. the whole family takes care of him. the moment he wakes up he’ll look for somebody. Whenever the family is out and he is alone with my mum, he’ll start missing us. Its like he needs us around and doesn’t know how to be alone. Perhaps the same thing can be said about Shaun. He is 11 and still walks out of the bathroom naked. Everyday he’ll go to my mum or me to tell stories. When he wakes up he’ll look for somebody to chit chat and can’t stand being alone at home.
I don’t think having no privacy is a bad thing. Its really about how you view it. for my siblings, they enjoy the company. I definitely enjoy the company. I can’t stand being alone at all. I really like it probably because I come from a very close knitted family. My parents are very understanding and they won’t judge us or show disapproval in the things we tell them. They respect us and they trust us. My parents won’t force us to tell them things either, everything that we tell them are things we really want to tell them. (which is like everything) my siblings thinking are like my parents. I think we learn from them. I really hope that when Neubs and I start a family, it would be a close knitted one.

bored. :(

2008-11-26T17:57:00.001+08:00

I can’t remember if I’ve posted this video before but anyways do watch it. its one of my favourite songs. Nothing much have happened these 2 days. I’ve just been busy sewing and sewing and sewing. Yap I’m doing up my blog shop. I’m really excited over it. I’m waiting for Neubs to wake up now. bored….

i should say sorry

2008-11-23T09:19:00.000+08:00

I think I should forgive Nat. I mean I can’t blame her for being stupid and that she fell into Neub’s mum’s sly trap.

See what happened was this. Neubs mum msged her for some crap, something about their souring relationship or whatever. (I forgot the details) anyways Nat became a busy body and offered her help and all. Neubs mum then tried to pair them up. she even asked Neubs to be unfaithful towards me. know what, she should ask her husband to have an affair also. Neubs was smart though, he called Nat to distant herself from his mum.

Anyways because of that I started to hate Nat. it isn’t even her fault and I was so unreasonable. I blamed her for being so naïve. Neubs even stopped talking to her because of me. I feel so bad for ruining their friendship. I think I should msg Nat to apologise. I hope I have her facebook. Ya I think I’m a real bitch. Sigh… I feel so bad. But it was wrong on Nat’s part to make herself look so available. Then again how can I blame her? it was Neubs’s mum who was being so cunning. Ya I should say sorry.

my mum said....

2008-11-21T18:17:00.000+08:00

My mum started that ‘oh I shouldn’t get a baby’ thing. My mum thinks that I won’t be able to handle the stress of child raring. Well… she thinks I’ll get into a mania if I have a kid. I don’t blame my mum for thinking this way and true enough I can’t handle pressure. Its like once I feel stressed all my symptoms would just come out. Its like the last time I had a drug overdose, it was because of stress.

Frankly I am rather scared of getting pregnant. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I really really want to have Neubs kid (and I pray it won’t have his big nose) but my mum has a point. As a lawyer Neubs would be super busy, my mum won’t be able to help me 24/7 blar blar blar blar blar….i dreamt of having Neubs’s baby just 2 days ago and it felt so good.

Sigh…. I think the best thing to do is to talk to my psychiatrist. As far as I know they have always been very supportive in anything I do. Sigh… I think Neubs would be really hurt if I chicken out one day. So I’ll stay strong. Even if it means getting into a mania or going crazy I’ll still give him at least 1. know what I think I should have more confidence in myself. I’ll be fine. I think. Sigh… I hate it when my mum brings up this topic.

some thoughts and the bad news

2008-11-20T10:45:00.001+08:00

I think the victims for the whole war thing between Neubs mum and I are the guys. Neubs himself, and his dad. Its like because of her his dad won’t have his company in 2 years. frankly I won’t stop him from seeing his dad. I just won’t be too happy if he keeps seeing his mum. I’m ok with the occasional meet up but not all the time. it’ll defeat the purpose entirely if their always together. Besides he can’t always meet his parents, he has to go home to meet my parents too. My parents didn’t do anything wrong to not have me, in fact my parents have always been very supportive of our relationship. My mum always tell me that Neubs is a very good bf. And I totally agree.

I just suffered a setback. Apparently the company that was supposed to hire me just emailed me and said that their not hiring me anymore. the thing is, some allowance and training contract was already signed then suddenly they said that I’ve not been selected for the position. Plus my supposed supervisor didn’t even know about it. I’m really worried if they are not hiring me because I’m bipolar or is it because of the economic downturn. Well, insurance got the hardest hit after the whole lehman brother’s thing. I don’t know, sigh…

I really don’t know where to go from here because my family’s financial situation is very bad. My mum and I have came up with a small business. We’re selling handmade felt roses for valentine’s day. If any of you are interested you can drop me a msg. I’ll be doing up a blog shop soon. Hopefully it’ll bring in some money. And of course I’ll be hunting for another job. Sigh… life is so tough. I’m just glad I’ve got good parents and great sibling. Hahahaha and a very very wonderful and supportive bf.

just some silly thoughts

2008-11-18T20:30:00.001+08:00

I know I know, I love My Chemical Romance and was listening to The Black Parade again. while listening I was thinking about Death. I wonder how is it like to die. Billions of people have gone through it and it’ll be another 50 years till its my turn. I really wonder if it’s scary or peaceful, tranquil or agonizing. I wonder will I hear my body shut down or feel my soul being sucked out. I wonder will I see the light like so many people have said. I wonder if I’ll have a soul or does it all end there. Yes I Know I know, I’m Catholic and is supposed to believe in after life but… hmmm…

In church we’re supposed to believe that if you take your own life you’ll go to hell. Frankly does the church really believe in that or does church goers say it to scare people. but seriously if someone were to commit suicide because of depression its really not their fault. As we know depression is a brain chemistry problem. The illness is physical in nature. Pain and suffering can be very crippling, crippling to the point that death is a better option. also when you’re having depression, cutting yourself can relief the pain. I’ve done it and I know it. so can you really blame a person with crippling depression for cutting himself or for choosing death? I’m sure God is a lot more reasonable then to send a soul who harmed himself because of his illness to hell right. If we’re not allowed to harm ourselves then what about those with autism who bang their heads on the wall because they are autistic. I really don’t get it. what is the church’s stand on suicide. And is it a fair stand? Well of course if you kill yourself and reject God at the same time you should be sent to hell. But…now I have another question. If you’re having serious depression and blame God for it is it your fault? The thing is, God can always cure you but he didn’t so? As a Catholic I’m not supposed to even think about all these but ya I’ve been thinking since I fell ill. like why am I ill? whats the purpose? What!!!!!????

I really think I need to talk to a priest. I’m becoming very screwed up. I should sort things out before I die just in case I feel stuff I shouldn’t be feeling and God send me to hell for it. ya.

I think I’ve recovered from my stomach flu. (stomach flu and gastric flu are the same things) my mum is cooking peanut soup and prawns and lady’s fingers. Yummy!!!!!!!!

i'm not ok

2008-11-17T20:37:00.001+08:00

I went to see my psychiatrist with my sister this morning. Goodness me, the appointment was at 945AM. I admit, I’m a pig, I can’t wake up before 1230PM. To make things worst, Neubs and I had a big fight last night and it wasn’t settled till this morning. So as you can guess, I was wide awake the whole night.

What happened between Neubs and I? See he told me that he can’t come to see me on his arrival day because his parent’s are going to renew their marriage on that day. What I think is this. Renew for what, his mum is an ass but that’s his father’s business. So blind. Anyway, the thing is, I would have not seen Neubs for weeks yet he isn’t going to see me on his arrival day. Seriously breaks my heart. And there was the Xmas thing. Seems like he isn’t going to see me again. I mean its Xmas!!!! Every girl would want their sweetheart by their side. Anyways all is settled. Neubs promised he’ll definitely see me somehow. Lets see then….

I really don’t feel like getting Neubs a Xmas present anymore. I’ve got a feeling he won’t see me and I’ll get so upset and throw the present away. Frankly I don’t even think he’ll really make time to see me. I think I’m going to be disappointed because of that I really really don’t feel like taking my medicine at all. I’m just thinking. Whats the point, when I don’t need to be stable to see him at all. Its like I can be stuck in hospital and he won’t be there at all. Like do I even need to be sane to say sane things to him, he won’t be there to listen to me at all.

I feel like his mum is snatching him away from me. I feel like she’s keeping him for herself, her own happiness. She’s so mean. Apparently she went around, everywhere slandering about me. she told all her sisters that I’m some kind of evil witch that stole her son from her. if she’s nice I really won’t mind Neubs spending Xmas with his parents and going for that renewal of marriage thing. But she’s evil. She created stories about me in her head and lied to everyone about me. I hate her. she’s a real bitch!!! I don’t want her to be happy at all. Anyways, its just a matter of time. in 2 years she won’t even get to see Neubs at all.

I wonder what I’m complaining about. All I need to do is wait 2 years and she can cry till her eyes pop out, Neubs won’t be going home anymore. ya I have to be more patient, I have to be able to bare the pain of not having him for Xmas and his arrival day. Easier said then done. I feel like shit. I feel like life’s not worth living. I feel like jumping down and ending it all.

Dr. Peter asked about how things are with Neubs again. I told him we had a fight. Frankly because of this problem I can feel my mood going down again. I can feel like I’m losing myself again. I just don’t believe he’ll see me. I feel like there isn’t hope. I feel like he is going to ditch me, I feel like I’m not important, I feel like I’m out of his life. I really feel like shit. I think I am feeling everything that Dr. Peter feared I would feel.

You know I like to be treated as a normal person but I like Neubs to understand that I am Bipolar. I’m fragile, I’m not really stable. I’m not using it to get my way but really I am vulnerable. Its not easy loving a bipolar my mood can change for the worst because of stupid things like this. and it is changing. I’m not feeling very well already. there is a reason why my doctors always ask about our relationship. Dr. Peter explained it to me just now. sometimes I really think that Neubs is a great bf for a normal girl. But for a bipolar girl, he really needs to be more sensitive. But perhaps he is already a very good bf for a bipolar girl its just that I’m too difficult. sometimes I feel like I really shouldn’t have met Neubs. I ruined his life. i'm an awful gf.

lonely

2008-11-15T22:09:00.002+08:00

I’m the last victim. Yes I’ve been suffering with gastric flu for a couple of days now.

I’m feeling really lonely. Neubs isn’t here and he is busy with his work most of the time. I don’t have many friends either. Everyone’s got their own life. They are either busy with work or with their boyfriends or they aren’t in Singapore at all. My sister is out with my cousin… sigh…perhaps I am feeling this way because I’m ill. ya that must be it.

puke all over!

2008-11-11T21:04:00.002+08:00

I haven’t updated my blog for about 6 weeks and I have valid reason its just that I can’t post it on my blog. Why? Secret!!!!

Anyways, there is a pandemic in my family. All my siblings are down with gastric flu. Nigel the youngest chap was hospitalized for 4 whole days. His vomiting and diarrhea was so bad that he was completely dehydrated. That guy was placed on drip for 3 days. He couldn’t eat and got very weak. Thankfully, with proper care, he is so much better now. very thin but active. He just got home last night, slept very early and woke up early too. he is now playing with his Toby, Percy, and Thomas---Thomas the tank engines. Neubs bought him those trains a while back and he loves them. He even asked me to bring them to the hospital for him.

The next to fall ill was Shaun, my second brother. My mum was already in the hospital tending to Nigel and guess what happened. Shaun puked all over his bed and the floor and everywhere. I wasn’t at home so Eva, Ivan and my dad had to clear up the mess. Super gross. Next to fall ill was Ivan and now Eva. Hopefully I’ll be fine. good news is, everyone is recovering. My mum has been so busy catching up with housework. The thing is we aren’t as efficient as my mum. Though everyone helped out in the house work, we still couldn’t get a lot of things done. Eva even burnt the pot while cooking porridge. sigh… we’re like big babies, really can’t do without my mum

New Facebook sucks. :(

2008-09-24T10:55:00.002+08:00

The new facebook is horrible. It doesn’t state that I’m in a relationship with Neubs anymore. it just states that I am in a relationship. That’s awful!!!! I want the world to know who my bf is. I want the world to know I am Neub’s gf. How can facebook do this to us. This is awful, really awful.

It encourages two timing also. You can state that you’re in a relationship but with don’t l know who. Man I’m so pissed. also I can't find all the post on my wall. Like how would I know what others say or have said. I was wondering why so many people are protesting against the new facebook well now I know. This really really sucks.

Former Blink 182 drummer and DJ AM plane crash

2008-09-23T11:44:00.003+08:00

I guess by now most of us have heard about former Blink 182’s drummer Travis Barker and DJ AM’s plane crash. Both experienced extensive burns and are in critical condition. They are considered lucky to survive the crash. 4 others however were not that fortunate. Amongst the deceased are: pilot Sarah Lemmon, 31; co-pilot James Bland, 52; Barker’s assistant Chris Baker, 29; and body guard Charles Still, 25. Investigations are currently being carried out by the National Transportation Safety Board. It was also reported that the plane was relatively new. It was manufactured in 2006 and certified to operate in 2007. I guess thousands of fans out there are waiting to know what caused the crash.

Stinky and Clinic gossip.

2008-09-22T16:40:00.002+08:00

I feel ultra broke, just spent $110 on my medical bills. sigh… sometimes we really don’t have a choice but to spend.

I’ve been dead bored the whole day and have been doing something very stupid. I’ve been telling my mum and my sister about Stinky from star wars: Clone wars. Yap that’s my favourite character. And really if it wasn’t for stinky, I wouldn’t have enjoyed star wars as much as I did. And yes, stinky is totally cute—ugly yet adorable

And yes I’ve been doing some packing. My room looks a lot more decent now.

I had lunch with the aunties at my clinic yesterday and as usual we left our boss out of our womanly talk. I had so much pizza that I nearly died of a stomach explosion. We talked a lot and one of the topics was about this guy called Gerald. See Gerald is the best looking Dhasedly addict who frequents our clinic. He is also an MC king and he is supposed to be doing national service. Our boss once commented that he is a really smart guy. Everytime he comes in the clinic, he’ll be smiling and he’ll greet everyone. I must say that he is very very polite. One day aunty Eunice asked him. ‘Hey you drink Dhasedyl, how can you hold gun?’ then he told her this while smiling from ear to ear. ‘oh, I’m not allowed to hold gun because I robbed people before. When I was younger I used to join gang.’ Goodness, Aunty Eunice was shocked! He looks so decent and he actually has such a background.

Really it is very difficult to tell a person’s past, character or medical condition just by looking at them. If anyone were to look at me, just look at me and observe me, they will never guess that I have a metal illness. Look at Gerald. Who would think he was in jail before and that he was once a robber. I can’t tell. But even if we find out a person’s unglam background do we avoid them? Well if they are bad and will harm you, definitely. But if they are as harmless and nice as Gerald, I believe we should give them a second chance.

Anyway check out stinky. Neubs is going to get this for me as soon as it’s in stores. Ya I’m still very childish I love toys!!!!!

Super good!!!!

2008-09-21T19:59:00.002+08:00

Ok I think I’m slow again or rather this happened in another part of the world. But ya I am now a fan of this guy Paul Potts. He is so good!!!!!!

And friends, he won Britains got talent!!!!!!

Street Performers

2008-09-21T18:22:00.002+08:00

I was in town just now to pick up the Mario ghost that Neubs has been eyeing for the past few months. as I was walking through the underground link from Isetan to Crawford, I heard this old man playing the Er Hu. Well there are many street performers and some are indeed very good. But this uncle is a lot more special then the typical street performer. He was playing Johannes Brahms’s Hungarian Dance on his Er Hu. Plus, he was really really good. It’s the first time I’ve heard that piece being played on the street. The notes are basically crazy. Well they are to me. as a violin 5th grader I once played pieces that had crazy scores too. but as a retired violin player it is considered insane to me. I can barely play a decent piece now what more Brahms’s Hungarian dance. Also, I’ve only heard the Hungarian Dance being played on the violin and never the Er Hu. So his whole performance was very special to me.

Though I was all into his piece I guess I’m just like the typical Singaporean. I just walked past pretending that I wasn’t at all touched by his music. I pushed through the glass door like I didn’t care and made my way to the toy store. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I should show my appreciation. So I dug into my wallet and prepared 2 bucks. ya I know 2 bucks is pathetic but to the perpetually broke me, its a lot. Ya so I purposely walked past him and put the money in really quickly and left.

Sigh… well this uncle seems all well taken care of and it seems like he is just performing because he likes to. there was one performer however looked like he was fighting for a living.

I remember very clearly. It was the first day I met Neubs for lunch during his internship and there was this skinny old man dressed in short pants and a thin white singlet near his office. He was playing his harmonica, juggling balls and skipping in circles hoping that someone would give him some money. I really really wanted to given him some cash but I only had 10 bucks in my pocket and I didn’t have much left in my bank either. And there was 2 more weeks before the month ended so I was far from getting my pay. I felt really bad and I still feel really bad. So I made a promise to myself that if I see him the next day I’ll give him all my money. I looked out for him for 2 whole weeks but he didn’t turn up. sigh…

Sometimes I wish I’m loaded, then I’ll be able to help all those who really needs help. Anyways, enjoy Johannes Brahms Hungarian Dance.

Dressing

2008-09-20T15:07:00.002+08:00

I’m feeling a lot better. Neubs have been talking to me. he came over on Wednesday night, we went out on Thursday. Have been talking to him on Friday and today also. He has been trying to re-wire my brain, telling me about what we have to do to survive his mean mother etc… I slept pretty well last night. no more hyper ventilations. I’m not totally well but I’m doing ok.

I’ve been thinking about his birthday next year. It’ll be his 24th. He’ll be in UK then. I’m wondering if I’ll get a crazy drunkard’s phone call again. I really don’t know what to get him honestly. Neubs has everything. He has every game he wants, has every electronic gadget that he desires ( and I won’t spend on that too, they are way too ex, can’t afford) oh his got his camera stuff that he wants but I won’t have enough money to buy for him. sigh… never mind its half a year away.

Holly seems to be shopping for her bf in an effort to change his style. I heard that he can’t dress for nuts. I also heard that he is a teacher. Frankly I don’t believe that gfs should try to change their bf’s style. I feel that if you really love a person, you should embrace his all. Well even if you give him a complete makeover, he may not be comfortable with the style. And really soon his bad taste would take over again. so really no point. That reminds me, Neubs never had a problem with his dressing. Even when he was fat, he had a good dress sense. I think dressing is in-born.

Nothing much have been happening. I’m just looking forward to buah keluak tonight. And frankly I’m terribly disappointed that Neubs can’t come tonight. I think its so embarrassing that my bf can’t show up but can't help it. its his cousin's birthday tonight also.

Listening to New Found Glory now: Dressed to Kill

feeling awful

2008-09-19T16:30:00.001+08:00

I’ve been feeling awful since last night. kept having hyper ventilation. It just feels awful to be me. I’m so stressed, disappointed, upset, basically awful. I don’t want to state why. I’m feeling worst now. Neubs seem to be away doing something. I can’t get him at all. Msg him no reply, perhaps I should call him. but I just hate calling him coz sometimes I can hear that witch’s voice in the background. This is awful. I feel awful.

My Chemical Romance-- Cancer

2008-09-18T19:07:00.002+08:00

Cancer

Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.

Now turn away,
'Cause I'm awful just to see
'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,
All my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo
But counting down the days to go
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know

That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye today (goodbye today)
I'd ask you to be true (cause I'd ask you to be true)

'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

i really love this song but after listening to it, i get very sad. though sad, i still love listening to it.

what i really feel

2008-09-17T17:20:00.001+08:00

I’m really upset. I feel like there is nothing to feel happy about. I just don’t see hope at all. Sometimes I really wonder whats the point of being alive. Life is very cheap and I won’t mind at all if God decides to take mine away right now. I’m lonely, very very lonely.

These are things I don’t believe in:

1) Being filial because they are your parents. That’s pure crap to me. my grandfather was an evil man and my dad being filial caused him his down fall. I think parents should be treated according to how good a parent they are. Like Neub’s mum. She’s so evil she deserves to be treated the way she treats others.
2) Obliging to go out with your family. Thats bullshit, military style. Dog follow dog style. So what if they are family you see them all the time, is there a need to go out with them, have dinner with them all the freaking time? I don’t go out with my parents all the time. in fact I don’t even remember when I did. This whole obligation shit is so superficial. If you’re really that close you don’t need to force your son to have dinner with you every donkey day. This on the other hand shows how distant they actually are.
3) Chucking your gf one side to please your family. This says a lot about how much you love her. Actions speak louder then words. If she’s mad at you, you should be down at her house cheering her up. dumping her at one corner after 5 mins is definitely not the way.
4) Thinking only about the future and neglecting the present. We can plan for the future but you need to take care of the present also. You can’t always be living in a dream. Humans have emotions, and these emotions are current. They are what shapes the future. True in the future she’ll be shit but that doesn’t mean I can let her shit on my head now.
5) Forgiving automatically. Ya I’m Catholic and I’m supposed to do that but I don’t believe in it. some people cannot be forgiven, if you do they’ll screw you up again. plus they’ll just be more prone to empty promises

So really I don’t even know when I’m going to die. What if I die tmr. Seriously whats the point in me tolerating all that crap for then. We can plan for the future but I live in the present. I’ve never envisioned myself living up to 30 before. I’ve always seen myself dying from a premature death. And I guess you all know what I mean. My friend just jumped 5 stories due to hallucination and broke both her legs. I’m bipolar too. I get hallucinations also. Seriously who can really guarantee that I won’t die from my illness? I’ve thought of suicide a million times before, just not depressed enough to jump or cut myself. Life really sucks, whats the point in living. I really feel like cutting my throat or stabbing myself. I really don’t see the point in living anymore. life is so unless. God created the world for his amusement. Just to see little people killing themselves. I don’t believe that God really loves us. Its all a lie. Everything is a big fat lie. Truth to be told, there is no love in this world. Everyone is just putting on a façade. Its survival instincts, you’re nice to me I’m nice to you. That’s the kind of shit everyone is doing. Love between couples? That’s bullshit too. its all lust. I wonder why am I talking so much. Shouldn’t I just jump? Frankly I’m scared that I’ll miss out something in life that’s why I’m still alive. But day by day I’m beginning to feel like there is nothing I’m going to miss out. In fact I’m beginning to think that really I’m better off dead.

stuff

2008-09-16T14:06:00.002+08:00

I know I’m kinda late but anyways, I’m officially a fan of My Chemical Romance. I’m totally in love with their songs esp black parade and cancer. After watching the video for cancer, I couldn’t stop crying. I feel like getting their album but may be its not necessary coz Neubs has it. its in Leeds though… I haven’t liked any band for a really long time. those of you who know me long enough will know that I was once upon a time in love with Kinki Kids. I’ve got all their albums from A-F, haven’t gotten the rest but I think I will once I start work. After Kinki Kids I liked Judy and Mary. Sadly they disbanded and I got their last album. I think I’ve not liked an English band that much since Backstreet boys. That was when I was 12 years old. Ya Kinki Kids and Judy and Mary are Japanese. I remember the days where I’ll just sit at home and translate Jap into Eng. I was into Greenday as well but I didn’t like all their songs. I do have all their albums in my com though. William downloaded the whole thing for me and fitted it into my lappy some 3 years ago. And yes I did like Blink 182 for a while and there was yellowcard. I liked one or two wheatus songs. Oh ya most recently I also got crazy over Pork and Beans by the Weezers. But seriously nothing beats Black Parade by MCR. The music video is really cool also. Sadly I can’t post it on my blog coz embedding was disabled by request. Yap I’ve been listening to Black Parade over and over again for the past few days. I love the tune and the meaning behind the song. Oh ya, frankly I’m beginning to like Muse too. Knight of CYdonia is just so funny, I didn’t know Muse was such a fun band. Well, I’ve been out of touch with music for a really really long time. I used to play the violin till my moods started screwing up and I couldn’t play anything properly after that. So I sort of gave up violin after that. Perhaps when I’m more financially stable I’ll take it up again.

I’m beginning to listen to music again because of Neubs. He is a music freak, plays the guitar like a mad rat and goes to gigs like nobody’s business. I just want to share his world. I do hope that we’ll like the same music but sadly he doesn’t like Paul Anka, said that his voice is weird. And I happened to love Paul Anka’s you’re my destiny. Sigh…

Saturday: my 5th aunts 50th birthday. my grandma is going to cook buah keluak. They’ve invited Neubs too but its not as though he can come. I won’t even bother telling him that his invited. Makes no diff…

super dad

2008-09-15T14:22:00.000+08:00

My dad is the smartest guy ever in the world. My mum told me how he handled Neub’s mum. See she called and started telling my dad that I’ve taught Nuebs bad things. So my dad just answered ‘I’ll see to that’. He sounded authoritative, the father father kind of guy, controlling and all. Hahahahaha!!!!!!! But, we know him too well. After the call, he just told my mum about it and never mentioned it to me. my dad is super smart in handling this kind of nasty people man. he just said it to please her so she won’t call again. my mum said that my dad is the expert in making empty promises. Love my dad!!!!

crazy witch

2008-09-14T11:25:00.001+08:00

I am really angry. Last night, Neub’s mum found a picture of me. he didn’t tell her he was going out with me. like hi! Who’ll tell her when she throws tantrum all the time. so because of that she got really mad and spent the night sending nasty msgs to him. she’s gotten worst, about 10 plus she called my house and asked to speak to my mum. My mum was bathing so my dad took the call. Know what she told him, she said that I taught Neubs bad things. Its more like she drove him into doing things behind her back. fancy her going to mass in just a few mins and she does this kind of things. Call herself a Catholic when she behaves like a witch. She hates me because I’m poor and bipolar. Her ideal girl is nat, Neub’s friend just because she’s normal, a lawyer to be and since she studies in UK too, she must be rich. I told Neubs that if I see his mum I’m going to give her one big tight slap. She’s really too much. I can’t stand her terrorizing my parents at all. I told my mum if she calls again I’m going to call the police for harassment. Sadly my mum said that we should settle the matter civilly. (I’m still going to call the police if she calls again) For Dorothy Neubronner there is no such thing as civil. She wants her way and only her way and she’ll do anything to get it. come on she’s even gone to the extend of sneaking into Neubs room and checking his smses while he’s asleep. And I bet that was how she got my house number. Anyways my mum will tell her that she’s not going to interfere with our relationship because its our world and not theirs. I’m really very very angry. Who is she to think that she is queen. She’s my number one enemy. She wants to tie her son to herself and she’s stupid enough to think that what she’s doing now can bring her son back to her. All she’s doing is pushing him away farther and farther away. Good luck to her, at this rate she’s going, she’ll never have him back. serves her right.

Lyon and Me

2008-09-13T15:43:00.003+08:00

Lyon is so tiny, unlike Lark. i tried catching Lark for a photo but he refused to get down my bed.

new bar asia

2008-09-13T15:31:00.001+08:00

I love this picture of Neubs and i. Gavin took it for us.

We met up with Holly, Houfu, Wei Qun and Gavin yesterday. Went to ding tai feng then new bar asia after that. Since Neubs got his camera, we’ve been camera whoring quite a bit. And yes, I’ve finally got a favourite drink. Its classic lime margarita (if I got the name right) and for the first time in don’t know how long, I wasn’t red like a lobster. Yay!!!!! BTW the reason why the photos are all in funny colours is because of the lightings. Every few mins the colour would change from pink to blue or orange to something. And I took some of the pictures, Neubs got me hooked on photography. Its super fun. We’ve been taking a lot of pictures and they are getting better each day.

new bar asia

2008-09-13T15:27:00.000+08:00

lately

2008-09-11T11:15:00.003+08:00

Met my psychiatrist on Monday and it seems like my doctors are considering increasing my dosage. Apparently they think I’m very unstable. Well it was true. I was depressed when I saw them 2 months ago and hypomanic when I saw them last month. Thank goodness I’m normal now. they were looking at the level of lithium in my blood also and its very low. So I confessed that I wasn’t taking my medicine when I went for the test a couple of months back. oh well....thankfully my doctor let me off this time.

I met Nani after I saw my doctor. If you guys are wondering who Nani is, well she’s a friend of mine whom I met during my stay in the hospital. and like me, she’s bipolar. That girl broke both her legs. Reason: she stopped eating her medicine and started hearing voices again. the voice actually asked her to jump from her window, which is 5 stories high. It told her that there are people below ready to catch her. So she jumped and broke both legs. Not only that, she spent 3 months in the psychiatric ward.

The last time I stopped eating my medicine which was a couple of months back I started hearing voices too. thankfully it didn’t ask me to jump, and also thankfully I’m staying on the second storey. But ya, the voice kept scolding me for about a week. I should have been brought to the hospital then but my Neubs was in Uk and I managed to convince my mum I was ok. Ya so after that Neubs forces me to eat my meds everyday.

Oh I’ve finally met Nick Wong. He is such a funny flirt. I think he is a little eccentric. I can tell that he is a really good friend of Neubs, someone whom Neubs can trust with his life. Oh ya we had a great dinner at Sushi Tei. I love the sushi we ordered. So delicious, sadly Neubs didn’t take a photo of it.

Tonight we’ll be meeting Sarah Tan. Wonder how she looks like.