sad accident

Every time I think about this story, I feel very very sad.

My dad’s ex operations manageress is a really horrible woman. She’s known to over work the workers and refuse to pay over time. (My poor dad’s pay got cut by her so many times without reason, thank goodness he doesn’t work for her anymore)

This story actually happened over a year ago and I’ve been wanting to tell but its really sad so I’ve postponed it till today. There was this driver whom daisy (the horrible manageress) refused to let him knock off. He was really tired so he was practically dozing off while driving and accidentally knocked down this china woman. It was really awful coz the tire rolled over her head and her brains literally burst out. Died on the spot.

This china woman also very poor thing, her child was going to take PSLE soon and that happened.

So well, the driver was arrested and all that. My dad went over to the police station and bailed him. on his way home, the driver met with an accident and his leg had to be amputated. Now, he is in jail and only has one leg. The driver also has a family, wife and children.

So really who is at fault? It all goes back to that daisy who refused to let him knock off. Imagine working for 16 hours in a roll everyday. Definitely an accident was bound to happen. So management people, you must be fair to your workers.

Know what, that daisy doesn’t even feel bad about this and she claims to have a heart of gold. Ya she told my dad that.

Hey

Sorry i've been inactive for a while. i've got a little mood problem but i'm still alive. will update soon. :)

Say Hello to Mania....

I really didn’t notice that I was heading this direction at all!!!!!!!!!!!! I just realized it like 1 Hour ago!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok first I was suffering from chronic stress and became teary and all right, then I went to see Doctor, then Neubs came back from UK. Things started changing the week he was coming back. I was very happy, I thought that was perfectly fine, I thought it was normal but I guess it was pretty abnormal coz since then I didn’t really have any bad mood. I gradually started sleeping later and later also, started having trouble falling asleep, started waking up in the middle of my sleep. And NOW, I CAN’T SLEEP!!!!!!!!! I haven’t been able to sleep for TWO nights!!!!!!!!!!! The week before that I only had 4 hours of sleep!!!!! Ok ok I slept last night but that’s because I played cheat. I took my lithium and resperidone (resperidone makes people drowsy), I took flu medicine and 4 times my dosage of lorazepam. STILL I COULDN’T SLEEP!!!!!!!! Then I forced myself to yawn, it worked a little, I think I managed to get 2 hours altogether. I’ve got an entire bottle of bena expectorant and a whole lot of fedac, plus more lorazepam. I must say that I am very very tempted to wolf down the cocktail BUT I don’t want to be hospitalized for a drug overdose again, get questioned by a police and get fired. Sigh…

I think if I’m perfectly healthy I’ll be perfectly fine with the lack of sleep, but the problem is, I am actually very very ill at the moment. My colleague passed me the cold and I’ve got a sorethroat along with it. Apparently due to my manic symptom of being Miss chat-non-stop, I talked till I’ve lost my voice. AND it doesn’t end there, I still can’t stop talking. To make things worse, my lungs are not cooperating; I’ve got pretty severe asthma!!!!! I’m on my puff every 2 hours and my asthma comes back within 30mins of taking my inhaler, YES and I still can’t sleep, still can’t stop talking. BUT you know what!!! I don’t feel ill at all!!! I’m energetic, I had a party at my place, even helped my mum clean up the house, I’m still awake and my mind is still going VERY VERY VERY fast!!!!!!!!

BTW I can’t eat. I only had half a bowl of soup yesterday and a few pieces of stuff today. I lost my appetite completely. Even time I’m high this happens. I can’t eat!!!!!!!!!!! Which really sucks actually coz my mouth taste bitter yet my stomach refuses to accept and food.

Know what I really want to do? I really really really want to exercise but I’m ill so that’s totally out. My thoughts are actually irritating me now, I can feel my brain pumping, like its working very hard. I can feel my brain. And my heart unfortunately, the palpitations are back. I really don’t know why but I’m having anxiety as well. Its really really bad, I can feel my heart pumping out.

Sigh…no one is up….what should I do….this is so shit…

Ugly Toes

The train is super packed in the morning, everyone’s face is like 20cm apart and I just hate staring into another person’s face. So instead of looking straight, I look down. I know looking down is like a sign of weakness, a sign of low confidence but really I can’t be bothered. It definitely beats staring at an ugly person’s face.

Frankly looking down isn’t too fantastic also because I end up looking at ugly feets. Ok looking at guy’s feet isn’t too bad because most of them wear shoes in the morning. BUT A LOT of WOMEN wear slippers to work. AND these women really have really ugly feet. See problem is their TOES. They wear a pair of slippers with half their foot sliding out from the front with their toes sticking out of their slippers. Most of them have about 1 cm of their toes touching the ground!!!!!!!!!! Then there are those who wear open toe shoes, the open toe part is just too big and they have 3 of their super long toes sticking out like a bug’s bunny teeth, touching the floor.

The look of it is not just bad, its also about hygiene. This means that these women are just walking on public floor!!! Can you imagine if they step on spit?

The thing is, if you really want to wear slippers, you’ve got to choose a pair suitable for you. Instead of having half your feet on the ground, get a pair which has a cutting that really fits.

Yucks so GROSS!!!!!!!!

Lorazepam

Ok I said I’ll update about Lorazepam and here it is.

Firstly let me recap why Lorazepam have been prescribed for me. I’ve been suffering from work related stress that has let me to suffer tightness in the chest, palpitations. This led me to suffer from a slight depression, low morale etc… and my resperidone 1.5mg is not taking the anxiety symptoms away but I’ve not been having any psychotic symptoms. so yap, that’s how I got this new drug with the rest of my cocktail.

I’m taking Lorazepam 0.25mg (half tablet) and if I’m still having anxiety after 1 hour, I was instructed to take another 0.25mg. reason why such a low dosage was prescribed is because I’m working and I need to be quick thinking and active in my work place. A higher dosage would cause me to feel drowsy, my thinking will become very slow, basically I’ll be inefficient. That’s really not what we all want to be while working.

The first time I took a 0.25mg dose (I’ve never needed to take more then 0.25mg) my heart beat slowed down tremendously and I was relaxed for the first time in an entire month. The effect was very fast, almost instantaneous. I was a lot more jovial which led me to realize that my depression was due to anxiety and not that I was really emotionally imbalanced in the bipolar relapse way. (but I may have been extremely jovial because Neubs was coming back from his trip from UK and that I’ll be seeing him everyday) anyways, my efficiency improved and I managed to perform a lot better at work. Also, I took mistakes at work and senior’s nagging better instead of crying over them like the previous week.

After one week of improved mental health, Monday was a disaster. I had a nightmare. (Nightmares are basically outlets for your body to relive stress, so we can take it as an indicator that we are going through stress) and because of that nightmare I started having anxiety from 3am all the way till 7.30 am (I took Lorazepam at 730am). After that I went through a horrible day at work. My mood was very very down and Lorazepam being a muscle relaxant, it definitely couldn’t do anything for bad mood. ya basically Monday was bad mood day. Probably I was even more stressed on Monday as it was Meeting Day, and I’ll have to report my sales to the MD and sometimes the CEO will be there too.

I took a dose this morning before I went to work and all went well.

The thing is, Lorazepam gets rid of stress symptoms BUT it doesn’t cure it. In fact I’m pretty worried that I’ve got to take it everyday to cope with my anxiety because I read online that it is highly addictive. How much to cause an addiction I don’t know but I think Lorazepam must be taken with caution. I’ve been given 40 doses of Lorazepam to last me till Jan 18th, I really hope I do have enough but if I don’t then I’ll have to force myself to deal with it.

Anyways, I hope this post is useful for anyone who is planning to take Lorazepam.

I broke down, depression is here

I’ve only worked for slightly over a month and I’m severely depressed. actually since 3 or 4 weeks ago I could already feel the spiral down hill BUT its only now that i’ve began the ‘crying non stop’ syndrome. I totally broke down today.

I managed to con my senior manager into letting me off for an asthma appointment. I took about 4 hours off just to see my psychiatrist. I knew I needed treatment, I knew I needed to talk to someone who’ll understand and is able to tell me what to do. I had to see Dr. Peter. Unfortunately when I got there, they told me Dr. Peter was on leave and I just broke down. They also told me that the new doctor who was taking over Dr. Peter can’t see me coz he is overloaded. I couldn’t think after that. I became so confused. All I know was, I had no doctor to see, I’m dying and I don’t have a time sheet to produce for my boss to see, then she’ll know I wasn’t going for an asthma appointment. They then told me to go to the emergency centre to see a psychiatrist but won’t EMERGENCY be written all over the time sheet if I went there? Like that won’t my boss know I was lying about the asthma appointment? All I know was, I was screwed. I couldn’t stop crying, very very stressed and dying of depression. I called Neubs in UK, he woke up in the middle of the night to calm me down.

The nurses were very helpful, they saw that I was in a total mess and went to every doctor in Neuroscience and asked who could see me. Dr. Terence agreed. I felt better when they told me that I could see Dr. Terence (he was the first doctor who attended to me when I first started treatment 2 over years ago) but I was still crying and shaking (I was also having anxiety) I waited while Neubs was on the phone with me (I’m so screwed when I get my bill) then this male nurse came to me and brought me to Room 12. I thought I was going to see the doctor who was taking over Dr. Peter. Instead, when I got into the room, I saw Dr. Khare!!!!!!!!! (Doctor Khare is usually in Room10)I just burst out crying even more, relieved that I was in good hands. Dr. Khare knows my condition very very well, well he is the Prof for NUS medicine, a senior consultant, he was the real expert plus he knows me. Dr. Khare is a very wise man and everytime I’m in this shape, he never fails to make me feel better. He actually gave up his lunch for me and counseled me for over an hour. I managed to stop crying and went back to work. And ya of course my doses were increased and I’ve got additional medicine. The additional medicine is Lorazepam, I’ll probably write a post about it and tell you guys whether its good or not. should be good coz Dr. Khare’s prescriptions have always been very effective. I took half when I went back to work and it worked really really well. I was actually functioning normally despite the huge crying session in the hospital.

Basically, Dr. Khare drilled this into my head. That as long as I’ve done my best, I should be happy. this episode of depression is actually caused by work related stress. Seniors expects so much of me, everyday they are saying that my results are not good enough, that I must be better then the other consultant who just came in etc… Dr. Khare also told me that I must make my seniors realize that I can only do this much and that they have to learn to expect less coz frankly my fellow colleagues are already saying that I’m coping very well esp when I’ve got a mentor who barely teaches me anything. I guess its also because I have no rest time at all. I’m working from 8 – 9 Mondays to Fridays. I even go back on sat for half day. Its madness. I have no time for myself at all. I just can’t cope with this drastic change in lifestyle plus, stress is really like poison for a bipolar.
Tonight I’m going to eat my medicine and pray that tmr I’ll be feeling better and fit for work

Starhub = SUCKHUB!!!!!!!!!! Let me tell you why!!!!!

I am so pissed with starhub!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Thursday, I realized that my phone wasn’t working. Since I’ve paid my bill, I thought its because my Sim card was spoilt. I’ve been very very busy at work so I didn’t go down to starhub until this morning and guess what. They said that my line was actually suspended because I didn’t pay my bill. I was like what the hell, I paid my bill the moment I got it!!!!!!!! I was very very angry and forced them to investigate. They called me a few hours later (lucky after I finished shopping for xmas gifts hence my mood wasn’t ruined) anyways, they told me that my line was suspended because my brother’s line, which is under my name wasn’t paid. I was like WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!! True my brother’s bill wasn’t paid BUT it was because they told us that we didn’t have to pay till we get a new phone (remember I suspended my brother’s line coz his phone was stolen some time back) AND we haven’t gotten a new phone!!!!! PLUS, they did not inform us that they were going to cut MY line due to my brother’s bill. We’ve always been given the impression by them that our lines were separate. ALSO!!!! We didn’t pay the bill because STARHUB DID NOT SEND US THE BILL!!!!!!!!! I even called them up to ask for it, but they insisted on sending it and wanted us to pay $5 for another bill to be mailed to our house. The customer service officer was very rude BTW, so I told her, why should I pay $5 for your own mistake, then I slammed the phone. She also said we can go online and get the a/c number and pay via the SAM machine. I was like, why should I inconvenience myself coz of THEIR MISTAKE!!!! So I said I’ll pay when the next month bill comes and guess what, they suspended my line for that. SO SHIT!!!!!!!!!

Ok why I thought my SIM card was spoilt. I’ve been using this sim card ever since I first subscribed to starhub’s services, that’s like 7 years ago. I’ve not changed my sim card ever since. AND, I am pissed about this issue also. I bought a 3G phone in Mar and the salesperson didn’t even ask if I wanted to change my sim card to a 3G one. Because of that, I had a lot of problems sending and receiving msgs. I finally gave my phone to my sister and have to use my 3 year old phone (the only phone compatible with my outdated sim card) when I asked the customer service guy to change my sim card just now, he was so unwilling that I got so mad. I told him, the guy whom I signed my new contract with failed to even ask me if I wanted to change, its very unfair to me esp when I didn’t know anything about it, which caused me to be unable to use my new phone!!!! Then he kept quiet and changed my card. SO PISSED!!!!!!!!!!

That’s not all!!!!!!!!!!

Starhub also overcharged my brother’s bill!!!!!!!!!!! When i first signed the contract for my brother, my mum faxed over his student pass (we took the student plan) 4 times BTW!!!!!!! And EVERYTIME they lose it, then they overcharged us. I got very very very angry at them that I scolded them and forced them to give us a refund. I told them I’m not going to pay the overcharged bill. Took them over 3 months to fix this problem!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!

I’m SO PISSED and SICK OF SUCKHUB!!!!!!!! To think I wanted to get GIRO BUT I don’t think I want to anymore. what if they overcharge me and all? Anyways, after this week, I’m thinking of changing to singtel. I’m so sick of them!!!!

Bipolar... i'm scared people will find out

After mass, I went for lunch near the MRT. I met an old crazy friend from the hospital. Well she is very crazy, bipolar as well. She was one of those people who never stuck to her medication. She got hospitalized numerous times, got retained (in school) a number of times because of her insanity too, but have never learnt her lesson about the whole medication thing. I saw her in the food court to be exact; she was in a wheel chair. Well if you all remember, I did post something about her some time back. she got into a terrible mania and jumped down 5 storeys and broke both her legs. Its been so long yet she still can’t walk. When I saw her, I wanted to ask, ‘eh how come you’re still in the wheel chair’ but, what if she’s paralyzed now? I didn’t ask in the end.

Nani, (her name) is a bipolar. When sane, she is very good humored, talkative, friendly and easy going. Her mania never propelled her to move towards academic achievements; instead, it held her back hence she never performed well in school. She is definitely not a mad genius. I guess she is like the majority of all bipolars whereby insanity caused them to be academically, financially stagnated. I guess she is like the typical sad case but even so everytime I meet her, she seems pretty happy.

I must say that I am really guilty of something. I didn’t dare talk to her for long at the food court as I do have colleagues living in my neighbourhood. I was scare Nani would talk about our illness in public. I was scared that people would find out. I didn’t declare that I am mentally ill when I applied for my job. I’m scared. What if they find out, hence fire me? I worked so hard the entire month, got my first pay, managed to buy stuff for my family and helped with the finances. Besides I’ve still got another $600 in school fees to pay for my siblings and another $8000 to pay for my tuition loan, plus we have other debts. What if I lose my job because I’m bipolar. I’m really scared. I do love my job, i need the money for my family… yet I’m so guilty I did that…

Sigh… I think I’m paranoid… well anyways, the main point about this post is to eat your medicine. Jumping down 5 stories and breaking both your legs is really not worth it. she could have died. If I died because of mania it’ll so not be worth it. (goodness, what a lousy post, sorry can’t really write properly coz I’m paranoid at the moment)

That Amanda's family really suck!!!!

All the kids in the neighbourhood are really pissed at Amanda’s children (the horrible neighbour) its really about their attitude. Everyone can’t wait for them to move out.

Remember, they bit my brother’s hand that day? This time, they burst my brothers’ soccer ball. All the kids in my block play with my brothers’ soccer ball and that Amanda’s dog bit it and burst it!!!!!!!!!!! That family didn’t even say sorry and discipline their dog for that, they actually laughed!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then a week back, they released their dog and allowed it to chase after 2 malays. The malays were really scared, they were running and crying and the Amanda’s kids were all laughing!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone hates them, its not because they are poor, its because of their ways.

People are getting really mad. The only reason why we’re not reporting them its because we don’t want the dog to be put down. such asses.

This girl will definitely end up in a divorce

Frankly I really hate feminist, esp those feminist with out dated ideas.

Neubs and I were having lunch at mos burger yesterday and as usual, I ate pretty messily. So he started teasing me and I was laughing at all his jokes about me. well people who knows us will know how we’re like. I say he is disgusting, he’ll say I am disgusting blar blar blar and we’ll laugh about it. Basically we’re a very easy going couple who don’t believe that oh we shouldn’t say this or that because I’m a girl or his a guy.

But I guess there are very up tight people in this world AND we met one. After our meal, I went to wash up (my dress and hands had gravy all over, ya I know I’m messy). Neubs like a typical guy, didn’t need the washroom and waited outside. Know what, this idiot girl actually went up to him and gave him a lecture about how he shouldn’t talk to me that way. WTH!!!!! Neubs didn’t give her a peace of his mind only because I came out too fast, but we were like what the shit. The girl was really young, probably in JC or something coz her bf looked like a whimp. He looked so scared, she probably terrorize him everyday. ‘oh you can’t say this or that because its disrespectful’ Really who was she to comment. She doesn’t know us as a couple, she doesn’t know how we talk to each other, she doesn’t know anything at all. I bet she was learning about feminism in one of her lectures that’s why she’s so weird.

The thing is, if a relationship has so many rules, then it’ll be such a closed up one. I don’t like it at all if Neubs keeps his comments to himself. Frankly I’ll really pity her coz she’ll be those type of woman who’ll divorce her husband on the grounds of unreasonable behavior. Her husband say something like your ass looks big, then she’ll say he is disrespectful, then she’ll scold him, then they’ll get a divorced. Girls like her are so dumb. Can’t take a joke and are so crazy over ideals. So domineering and all.

I believe in a relationship there shouldn’t be such strict rules about respect. I feel like people like her always feel that women are placed as the weaker sex that’s why they fight so hard for respect. Which is really crap actually coz instead they push women to take the role as the domineering sex so that’s really crap too because where is the equality? Its so stupid really. I let Neubs tease me and he lets me tease him, to the both of us, we know we respect each other. Its just a joke, we can take jokes, we’re not petty. That girl’s got lots of growing up to do, if she doesn’t change, really, I foresee that she’ll either never get married or end up in a divorce. Smart shit.